I've been having a rough time lately, and haven't really wanted to blog about it. And since I am unable to NOT think about things that stress me out, I really haven't been able to blog about anything else.
Kind of like when I go to donate plasma and my pulse is too high. So they have me sit for like five to ten minutes for it to go back down, but guess what? It goes UP. Because all I can do is think about my pulse being to high and I try to concentrate on relaxing, which makes me incapable of relaxing. Only time recently I was able to get it down enough to donate was when I was reading the last book of the Wheel of Time series which was probably sufficiently distracting to take my mind off of my pulse.
If I'm ever unemployed again, I rather doubt I'll be able to make money on Biolife. Shame.
But, as always, having a bad time gives me more chance for reflection than not. So what did I learn today? I might actually be able to live a "quiet life."
My rough time has involved some drama, so mentally push back by wanting the opposite of whatever it is that makes life difficult. Also, I get in one of those repentant moods so often characterized in children's books and stories and comics, the "God, if you just get rid of whatever is bothering me, I'll do all my chores without complaining forever!" If I get out of this, maybe I could resign myself to a quiet life.
I sing that bit from Beauty and the Beast that goes, "There must be more than this provincial life... I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can say. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned." I've felt like that all my life.
But if I can get back to a point where I am happy... or at least not stressed... I can think about the good things about that. Say it's in Ames. My parents are still here and I could see them. Mom will have potentially more time and we could spend it together. I'll be able to bike. Maybe as the years go by, I could get into a groove of going on RAGBRAI every year. I could garden in the backyard. Write (I know, far fetched). Go to local events, like Ames in the Halfshell, Parks and Recreation classes. Join a fitness place. Get a pool pass. I still don't know what I'd do in the winter. Get my own snowboard and a season's pass at Seven Oaks? Have a child, raise a family? Actually sew those curtains?
Could I live like that, quietly? David is convinced we're meant for something greater and this is just setting the stage, but who knows what that will entail?
Oh God, I want out so bad it scares me. Please give me strength to go on!
