Small Spaces

I mentioned I have a fear of heights. That's pretty normal. Another thing people are often afraid of is small spaces. And I have the opposite of that. I love small spaces.

Forgive me, I'm writing on my phone and I can't type as fast and I have auto correct. So on one hand my sentence construction is stunted and on the other hand I may have totally weird autocorrect.

But what would the love of small spaces be? Claustrophilia? I suppose that depends on whether claustro actually means small spaces or means being confined. Not really into being confined.

I think it comes from growing up in small spaces. I rode on a lot of airplanes, with their cramped seating and tiny bathrooms. I liked the efficiency of a place for everything in those tiny bathrooms, a nook for the toilet paper, a slot for soap. We lived in small apartments at one point, six of us in a three bedroom. I actually dislike large open rooms to some extent. I'd rather read in our small study than in the open living room.

I went spelunking once. I can bravely charge into all sorts of small holes as long as I know I can get back out again. I do remember once when I was a kid and some friends were digging a tunnel in snow. Not my thing. You go in head first and you are face into a blind tunnel, bundled up in thick clothing, unable to turn around, only hope you can wiggle your way backward without space. I don't like that small space.

Basically, I was just pondering this odd trait recently. At CY Stephens, we were setting for a show and a section of portable stage from the show had been set down, and then the roadie discovered we should have shoved some plugs that were running under the stage through a hole in the stage. The roadie was standing there, stymied, and I volunteer, "I can get it." I'm not good at measurements, I don't know how big the space was, but I can tell you that out of a crew of mostly heavy a lifting men, I was one of the skinniest and smallest, and one of maybe two that could fit. The other being the skinny roadie, but he didn't seem eager. I was.

I don't know why, but that is fun.

I remember setting for a big event at Hilton once and me and another girl spent a full day running cables under a stage. My knees ached, but I loved it. I feel special being able to disappear and appear elsewhere.

So maybe I can't be an uprigger. I just need to find where we keep our crawl spaces and volunteer. As long as they aren't filthy I guess. Don't want that stuff in my hair.

Sci Fi

I wish I could think like this.

"A good science fiction story should be able to predict not the automobile but the traffic jam." - Frederik Pohl

Sci-fi, technology, get's me excited. I wish I could somehow bind and publish the way I feel about it.

Motivated geeks

So I play Zombies, Run! I believe I've mentioned it before. It's a phone app that is also a game of some sort. When you run, it plays you clips of a story between songs to make it seem like you're a runner for a post-apocalyptic township, dodging zombies and finding supplies. It's GPS, so it keeps track of your speed and distance and time and you can use the supplies to upgrade your township and you can get achievements and so on.

What can I say, I'm a gamer.

I mentioned once to somebody that I didn't think I could run without it being a game and they replied, "That's sad."

That's sad?

I didn't start running because it was a game. I used a phone app for the intervals for the Couch to 5k program so I didn't have to run with a watch, but that wasn't a game and it didn't track anything.

But I kept running, partially because I knew I'd lose all my gains if I didn't, and partially because I'm playing Zombies, Run! What? Why is that so bad that I found something that motivates me, that works for me because it happens to be a computer game? I honestly don't think I could keep going if all I had to look forward to with running was a half hour of the same streets I run over several times a week and trying to find music I liked and hadn't already heard or gotten bored of. I found something that gives me a new story, gives me motivation to keep going outside. I can put the story off, so I still run because I want/need to run, run because it's good for me, but as an added bonus I hear a story, one that I feel like I'm directly involved in, and I get supplies to build my base, and I earn achievements. It's a game that's good for me.

I thought we'd mostly gotten over the part of society that judges people for liking computer games. Don't get me wrong, there is always a place where that can get unhealthy and where you can spend way too much time and money on computer games, but the same is true of pretty much any obsession.

In college once, I was talking to a guy I knew from one of my classes and I told him I played World of Warcraft. He told me that made him think less of me.

It wasn't unhealthy. I got all my homework done. I had a part-time job. I went to most of my classes. I had friends (several of whom played with me). Why is it that computer games are considered a lesser form of entertainment that somehow corrupts?

Granted, I suppose I think less of people who watch reality TV, so fair enough.

I can calculate my obsessions.

I think I'm about done with zombies. For this time. My interests tend to go in waves.

Briefly, I'd say my interests follow a few different themes:
Zombies/post-apocalyptic
Magic/Fantasy
Star Wars
Sci-Fi
Steampunk
Paranormal

Anyway, the zombies kick has been on for a while now. Because I'm still running to Zombies, Run! it never gets very far away. What do I do on these kicks? Well, for zombies, I make up post-apocalyptic survival stories, I read prepper and survival advice, I make a lot of zombie references, I read a lot of zombie books (I now have a zombie shelf on my Goodreads), reading post-apocalyptic YA books like Uglies, Divergent, Hunger Games, and I maybe, maybe, talk myself into watching Walking Dead.

As a side note, I started the Walking Dead because my mom said it was a great show. I actually quit after the first episode because of the gore, and I eventually came back and finished the first season. My mom recently quit at the beginning of the third season for the same reason. I don't really know if I can continue after that.

But the other day I had a long shift at work that involved sitting on ground floor during a wedding and making sure nobody left with alcohol. They always advise bringing books. So I finished off one I'd been putting off for a while called Monster Island. Zombie book. And... vivid. I want to tell people some of the scenes so they understand what I mean, but I won't because I don't want to put them through that. If it was a movie, I'd be really scarred. As it is, all that is haunting me is my imagination. So, I'd say it's about time to call it quits on this one.

Where should I go next?

Magic/Fantasy tends to involve Fantasy books, which I've been pretty much avoiding since the end of Wheel of Time. I just don't want to get that involved in a fantasy world for a while. I'm not quite up for re-reading Harry Potter. This section also involves the computer game Dragon Age, and the next one of those is on my Christmas list, so probably won't play until after that, if I get it.

Star Wars involves, obviously, the Star Wars movies, which I'm not quite ready for again. It could also involve the computer game Star Wars: The Old Republic, but I'm not going to play that as long as I'm playing World of Warcraft. I can't handle two games with subscription costs, and WoW is better.

Sci-Fi is a separate section because, for some reason, my sci-fi kicks don't go over to Star Wars, and vice-versa. Sci-Fi tends to involve Firefly, being sad about Firefly, wishing I could play Wildstar, and trying to find good sci-fi to read. I tend to prefer cyberpunk-style, more of the nitty gritty, back-ally deals and black markets and hackers. More Firefly than Star Trek. Wildstar is also a computer game that's a space western and has a great sense of humor and is a really good idea, but not really marketed at me. I think they have a few things to iron out. And the same thing about the subscription fee applies. I could re-read Neuromancer. I don't recommend that book to people because of the sexual references, but it has some of my favorite descriptions of place I've ever encountered. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is also good, for entirely different reasons.

Steampunk, which I tend to define as "Victorian Sci-fi," involves reading Steampunk books (such as the Boneshaker series, the Parasol Protectorate, and the Leviathan series), role-playing with friends, and looking at pictures trying to come up with costume ideas. I should probably attend more events.

Paranormal is basically vampires, werewolves, fae, etc. I tend to like so-called Urban Fantasy, which could probably summed up by the song "Werewolves of London." Paranormal creatures in modern environments. One of my favorite book series is the Mercy Thompson series. Obviously got to be careful with this section, as it can degrade into slutty romances fast. Twilight encourages bad relationships and I read the first book of the Sookie Stackhouse series (on TV: True Blood) and I'm not reading any more. Included in this category are obviously things like Anne Rice's Vampire Lestat series and Dracula. Underworld is an entertaining movie, but none of the sequels measure up to it. Not quite ready to re-read all the Mercy Thompson series yet, so I'd have to find something new.

What world am I going to live in?



"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."
-Neuromancer, William Gibson

First Chapter (just to see what I'm talking about)

All the worse to hear you with...

You know how sometimes people are a little different, physically? And I'm talking a really really tiny thing. For example, one of David's ears is slightly pointed. I think a lot of people have those differences, something that just developed oddly. I personally have one of my little toes that is shaped a little weird, different than the other one. David said it was cute when I worried and compared it to Gus Gus, the mouse from Cinderella.

Some things shouldn't be said.

Also, some people have genetic variations of these oddities. On my mother's side of the family, they have what they call the "Grossnickle ear," Grossnickle being the family name. One ear is normal, the other one tends to stick straight out to the side. It's endearing to everyone who doesn't have it, and frustrating to those who do.

I like my ears. They are small, laid back. The lobe is small and detached. Overall, I'm pretty happy. However, there is one thing that is really annoying, and that is the size of my ear canals. I don't know if this counts as a developmental oddity or a genetic oddity, or just the extreme side of the normal range, but I don't like it.

First off, I also have waxy ears. Narrow ear canals combined with waxy ears means that plugs have built up and need to be flushed and can affect my hearing.

Narrow canals can retain water easier and I've had "swimmer's ear" before.

I have had very little luck with ear plugs.

And now this.

Some people complained about Apple's earbuds. Supposedly, they were modeled off of Steve Job's ear, which seems like a somewhat pretentious thing to do, but they were my favorite. They fit me perfectly. My first pair started pulling the cord out of the connections and I managed to finagle another pair from product replacement when my iPod broke. When the second pair finally wore out, I went to the Apple website and discovered it was around $40 to replace them. I went to Wal-Mart and got a $15 pair of white headphones that could maybe fool people. Also, I liked white because my hair is so dark people might not see black cords and then talk to me and think I was rude or something for ignoring them.

I've had that pair of white off-brand headphones ever since. It's got to be like six or so years. They hurt my ears originally, but either my ears got used to them, or I don't listen to music on a device as much. I also use them for running. Until they shorted out two days ago.

I'm still using Zombies, Run! for running and it's a stereo sound system, meaning if someone in the story is talking to me over the radio, it comes in mostly right ear, and if someone is running with me, it's more central, but also somewhat left ear. Well, the right ear shorted out. I can't have that.

So I went to Best Buy and discovered that apparently, the cool thing with earbuds are the plug style. I've had about as much luck with that as with regular ear plugs and so generally avoid them. But there was only one style that wasn't plugs and it was cheap-o. I was thinking along the $20 range and those were like $5. And the Skullcandy ones looked really cool... I ended up getting a pair of $20 Skullcandy ones with a red cord. They come with smaller size plugs as well and I was hoping...

Yeah, they don't work. My ears are too stupidly small. I spent half of my run shoving them back in my ears, my ears feel weird now. A few times I was able to hit that sweet spot where the stereo doesn't seem like it's running in each ear, but in the middle of your head and I realized these headphones have bass ranges that my old ones could never achieve, but after ten seconds they would start to slip again. It makes me sad.

Pros: Look sweet, have great sound, have microphone/remote, noise blocking
Cons: Doesn't fit, noise blocking

Yeah, I don't like my music leaking all over the place and I was able to turn my cell phone down another three volume steps because I could actually hear, but one of the nice things about not having noise blocking headphones is the ability to hear cars moving, doors slamming, people, etc. When you're running, sometimes those things are important. I usually always look before doing anything, so not too bad...

Dang it. I just want them to work. I wrote customer service at Skullcandy to see if they make even smaller ones. Well see.

Acrophobia

I'm not much for phobias. It seems too psychological, and I don't like problems that reside largely in my brain.

I will admit to having been "toxiphobic" when I was a kid. I went on an OCD hand-washing spree, didn't like touching anything I thought might have been dirty, really didn't like chemicals. I honestly didn't get out of that until I got a cat and I knew that she was "dirty." She played outside and cleaned her fur with her tongue. Her paws had touched the kitty litter. But she was my cat and I loved her and I knew I couldn't stand to be around her if I thought she was dirty. So I performed some mental gymnastics and convinced myself she was, in fact, "clean." And once you ignore a glaring possible germ hotbed like that, everything else kind of fades. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.

I still don't like chemicals.

So I knew that I was scared of heights, but never considered before that it might be a phobia, not until last night. Last night, I went on a stagehand tour of CY Stephens, our theater building that hosts all the larger shows in Ames. I'm going to be taking some shifts there, hopefully pick up stagehand skills. It's a pretty tall building. You stand on the stage and look up and there is row after row of drapes and pipes that can hold drapes and pipes holding lighting. Didn't bother me. Not until we got up to the top, to the spotlight room, then the catwalks in the ceiling. The ceiling wasn't too bad, as we were mostly hidden from the actual auditorium. But being on one of those little catwalks and looking down at the ceiling below you and knowing that all those boards are nailed in from the opposite direction, so if you fall, physics aren't going to be with you... The catwalk wasn't that skinny, but I was holding both bars on either side of me.

Then there was the uprigger position. Above the stage, above the pipes and the drapes, there is a mesh made of metal bars, the gap mostly too skinny to get a foot through. Mostly. Sitting there, there is also a gap over the edge, with a few bars of railing in the way. Am I top heavy, I wondered? Could I tumble over that? On another walkway, they manage the weights of all those things attached to those ropes. Sometimes stagehands climb up on the railing. It's next to a wall covered in ropes, but there isn't anything under those ropes. If a human fell, could they manage to catch themselves, I wonder. Sometimes the stagehands have to climb higher, to a bar behind the ropes. People would hand iron bricks up to balance the weights.

"What do you yell if you drop one?" I ask.

"'Heads.' As loud as you can. But you aren't going to drop one." His eyes are earnest.

"Oh, good," I reply.

They repeat many times that if we aren't comfortable, we don't have to do it. I don't know at what point I could ever be comfortable. Looking down that impossible distance to the stage below, my feet start tingling. My knuckles on the railing go white. Could I have acrophobia?

I've always defined phobia as a "crippling fear." Something beyond just uncomfortable, beyond afraid. To the point where you can't release that grip. Yes, I've always been afraid of heights. It's been more about the fear of falling from heights. Maybe that seems like a silly distinction, but it makes all the difference for me. For explanation, I am not afraid of roller coasters, or any other ride that goes high and fast. They lock me in so tight that if the system broke, I don't think I would ever get out. They'd have to jaws-of-life me or something. I know they have emergency releases and all that, but you get what I'm saying. I am not afraid of rock climbing when in a harness. I am really afraid of free climbing. I don't think I'd be afraid of sky diving. One of the hardest things I've done is jumped off a 45-foot cliff into water. That is entirely falling. I've fallen wrong before and gotten a horrible bruise. It can hurt. And it is so hard to make my brain, which is telling me all the reasons that stepping off a cliff is a horrible idea, to make it shut up, and just will my feet forward until there is no space left, and then that terrifying half-second where nothing is holding you up and the flat surface of the water is rushing at you...

It just occurred to me that either my dreams are trying to torture me or they have some sort of meaning... I have dreams of flying. But flying is never easy, it always takes effort, and mostly, I can't get off the ground. So I go to a tall building, or tree, or something, and I jump. I try to fly before I hit the ground. Maybe the meaning of my dreams is that if I just take a leap of faith and face my fears, I will end up flying...

Ok, that's too cheesy, even for dreams. Really, subconscious, I expected better.

If I can make myself jump off that cliff, maybe I don't have a crippling fear. But I'm wondering if I could ever be an uprigger.

Either way, I could go all Phantom of the Opera on this joint.

Don't you send my brother to Iraq