I can't keep a plant alive and you expect me to raise a kid?

Two months in to motherhood and I live in fear of one particular thing. Well, two if you count Princess Fussbudget's bad moods.

I am afraid of the eternal Forming Bad Habits. It is the specter that lurks behind every decision I make, the start of every day, every time I get up in the middle of the night. It is the nightmare that haunts my plans and dreams of the future.

So The Books say to put baby on a routine. Not a schedule, mind you, a routine. A schedule says they eat at 10:30, stay awake until 11:30, and then nap until 13:30 and then eat again. A routine says that they eat when they wake up, stay up for about an hour or whenever they start showing tired cues, go down for a 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap, and when they wake up, they eat again. If they get hungry in the meantime, really actually hungry, you can feed them again instead of holding off until the clock.

A routine is the greatest thing for babies, the best thing since sliced bread. Touchy babies are comforted by routine, babies are build for routine, they like knowing what comes next. Routine routine routine. It will save your sanity, your sleep, your marriage, your life, whatever. Eat/wake/sleep routine is where it's at. Or so they tell me.

So I want wakeup time to be 07:30-08:00. What do I do when she wakes up at 06:30? What about 07:00? Feed her and put her back? Consider it her getting up? Let her cry it out? If I get her up, won't that reinforce her bad habit of waking up early?

So I feed her at 02:30. What do I do when she wakes up again at 04:00 and wants to eat? Babies can go a lot longer than that without eating, but that's what she wants. Do I spend half an hour trying to calm her back to sleep (to sleep or just to drowsy?) or do I feed her and let her fall asleep on the breast in fifteen minutes? Feeding her again so soon, that probably forms bad habits of waking up too much and letting her fall asleep while nursing is also a no-no, so I'm committing like double sin or something. But it takes fifteen minutes and often I don't even have to go back in to get her back to sleep. Then I get to go to bed. And I like my sleep.

Often during the day she asks to nurse maybe a half hour to an hour after I fed her. She doesn't need it. I'm relatively sure she isn't actually hungry. She just wants to nurse, for comfort I assume. That's not part of the routine! I'm sure nursing her all the time will form a bad habit.

What about when I put her down for a nap and she wakes up forty-five minutes later and wants to nurse (nursing after waking up is the part of the routine she seems to agree on)? Probably a bad habit.

I had been putting her down for naps in her crib (after she no longer seemed to be able to sleep on the couch) and those worked fairly well for a couple of weeks. I would go in and unswaddle her to encourage her to wake up at the end of two hours. It was great, everything seemed to be working, I got things done. 'Course, at that point I worried about putting her down to sleep too soon after her waking up, but I swear she was yawning a bunch and then getting fussy. Now, she seems to wake up in her crib after forty-five minutes to an hour, but if I let her fall asleep in her bouncy chair, she can sleep for two hours easily. She rouses from time to time and I just keep bouncing her with my foot and she'll put herself back to sleep (kind of like while I'm typing this). Is letting her nap in her bouncy chair a bad habit? I'm not sure what it's enforcing... getting used to being bounced, or not getting used to her crib.

There seems to be so many bad habits to try and avoid and the girl is only two months old. I can only imagine how much I'm going to mess her up by the time she hits three. Or thirteen. Or eighteen. And I'm sure it will be some sort of blowback from that time I let her sleep in the bouncy chair as a child. Wait for a psychologist to bring that up someday.

Look at all the evil sleeping habits she's been infected with:

I'm sure it's my fault when she doesn't sleep at night.

I have a theory...

My baby (or LO) turns two months tomorrow.

I don't actually know what LO means. I presume "Little One?" It's a shorthand I see frequently on stuff like the Birthways Breastfeeding Support Facebook group and the Ames Babywearing and Beyond group. I don't get it. I mean, it's fine calling your baby "Little One," as its a nice gender-neutral non-specific-age term of endearment, but why abbreviate it? While, yes, it takes about half a second longer to type out little one than LO, this is a PC with a full keyboard. I'm not texting. Heck, autocorrect even made abbreviations old fashioned. Seems weird. It's also another one of those random things that I've learned since becoming a mom. Like you have no idea how many new words I learned that relate to breastfeeding...

Anyway, that's not where I was trying to go with this.

I frequently have questioned how on earth people could have more than one kid. Like I said, my "LO" is turning two months tomorrow. During those two months, I have been cried at, had to get up multiple times a night (usually three, not counting all the times fifteen minutes later to calm her back to sleep), had to spend inordinate amounts of time bouncing, can't seem to take a minute to myself to dress or eat breakfast unless I wait for her nap time, have to watch my alcohol consumption and timing, been pooped on, changed multiple diapers, can't get away for more than a couple hours, and let's not even talk about how I haven't slept for more than four hours in a stretch and usually no more than six a night for those two months and not even a smile in repayment from a super-demanding tiny individual. And this was all after the traumatizing birth (that also kept me up all night) that ended with me in the operating room with a third degree laceration. Why would people repeat that? I love my little girl, but man, why try this over again?

People all tell me it gets better, but can you truly forget all of this within a year or two?

I have discovered the answer: sleep deprivation. Oh, you think it's a bad thing? Well, yes, it's a bad thing. There have been days where I have been dead on my feet and nights I cry in desperation when I hear her start to cry again after I had just begun to drift off, clocking only three hours of sleep by 3am. Sleep deprivation sucks. BUT, sleep deprivation brings memory loss.

Sleep-deprivation based amnesia. That must be the answer. For example, I honestly cannot remember how many times I got up last night. I know she woke up at 01:30ish, and again at 03:00ish (which is stupid), but I can't for the life of me remember if she woke up at 05:00ish or not. I thought she did, but examining that idea more closely, I found I couldn't link any memories with that specifically. Kind of like how you sometimes can't remember if you brushed your teeth because you've done it so dang often that it all seems the same and you can't tell if your teeth-brushing memory is from this morning or yesterday morning or a week ago.

So in six months or whenever she hopefully starts sleeping through the night and I start getting normal amounts of sleep, this whole episode will fade to the murky consistency of a dream. Kind of like how right after she was born, I'm like "If this is the way childbirth goes, I am never doing it again," and then I was sleep deprived because labor had started at like 22:30 (not when I would choose to run a marathon) and then it was exhausting and then I was drugged for the OR and all groggy and I haven't had a good night's sleep ever since. And I talk about "next time."

Well, it's either the sleep thing or kids get a lot more fun later on. Hard to imagine at this point (this week, she's cut her nap times in half).

(Ironic onesie)

The answer is out there, somewhere.

Another reason I haven't posted much is that I don't know the direction I want to take this blog. Not like it had a perceptible focus before. Looking back on my posts, it seems mostly just my ruminations about news stories, happenings where I live, and politics. But now I have a baby. It seems there are plenty of successful "mom" blogs out there, and I don't really feel like I have anything to add to that discussion, especially since I'm the one going to those blogs looking for answers.

But, at this point, how can I think of anything else?

I have a fussy baby. I am still in the diagnostics phase. Is she lactose-intolerant, frequently overtired, wanting to nurse more, spirited, high-need, touchy, etc (or normal and I'm just a first time mom and wasn't prepared for this level of fuss)?

Also, did you know my way of coping with stress was the research the hell out of it? David has taken to yelling, "No more books!" whenever a new book on parenting shows up from the library. But it seems like a problem to me, and problems can be fixed, or dealt with. Or at the very least, maybe I could prepare myself for an 18-year battle of the wills after which she will move out of the house, get a tattoo, and date a jerk for a while before maybe realizing that Mom was right some of the time.

Genevieve likes: bouncing, nursing
Genevieve tolerates: sling rides, stroller rides
Genevieve dislikes: most things that are not bouncing or nursing, including diaper changes, being put down, being held while not bounced, car rides, baths, and so on.

What do I do?

"Just love her," says my mom and David.

But I'm sure I'll find some sort of clear definitive answer in a book or on the Internet somewhere that will give me clear strategies on whatever it is Princess Fussbudget wants and how to deal with her.

Unless dealing with her involves constant bouncing. I'm not sure which muscle groups are involved in bouncing, but I expect they'll be magnificent in short order.

Onesie says "I speak Wookiee."

Eat, play, sleep, repeat. Right?

I'm reasonably sure my few (very few) readers have noticed I haven't been updating. They also know why.

If you want to guess, it's rather obvious from previous posts: I've had my baby. And really, how does anyone have anytime for anything for the next twenty years?

My idea of a schedule, based on the E.A.S.Y. routine of Eat, Awake (play), Sleep, You time (which is the same time slot as sleep):

08:00 - Wake up when baby wakes up. Change and feed baby. Play with baby.
09:30 - Baby goes down for a nap. I can then eat breakfast and clean the bathroom and clean up the kitchen.
11:00 - Baby wakes up. Feed, then change. Play.
12:30 - Baby goes down for a nap. I eat lunch.
etc.

What actually happens:
06:04 - Baby wakes up. Feed baby, coax her back to sleep. Then try to sleep, but can't because baby, even sleeping is making a lot of grunting noises and it's light out. Try to get a few things done before she's totally awake, like brushing my teeth. Discover David cleaned up the kitchen (Hurrah!)
07:25 - Baby wakes up again. Change baby, feed her, play with her. Try to get dressed.
08:45 - Baby very fussy. Go for a walk. Baby calms down, but remains awake for the next fifteen-twenty minutes of the walk instead of falling asleep in the sling. Gets fussy again at the end, so I return home.
09:00 - Coax baby to sleep on the couch (cause we're both too warm at this point) with a pacifier (dang it, I didn't want to use that thing). Contemplate being productive. Start process to clean the bathroom.
09:30 - Baby wakes up. Bathroom not clean (shouldn't have checked Facebook). Nurse the baby. She proceeds to have two blowout diapers. Nurse again.
10:00 - Baby gets fussy. Walk around the house in circles with the sling (or it would be circles, except the dining room has tiles all over the floor. So more like crescents)
10:30 - Baby nods off. Take a quick walk around the block.
10:40 - I contemplate my options of things to do with a baby on my chest. I try blogging.
10:45 - I get warm and my back hurts, so try and ease baby off with sling. Baby wakes up, but seems to be falling asleep.
10:46 - Baby cries. I use pacifier again (dang it!).
10:54 - Blogging my excuses for not blogging.
11:13 - Download Dropbox and use GIMP to resize a picture so I can use it on my blog.

So as you can see, I have a very hard time finding time to be actually productive. And sleep when the baby is sleeping? Nice pipe dream. I have other things that I need to do. Anyway, I can't sleep in the morning.

And they're only supposed to be awake more as they get older. How will I be able to do anything!? I can see why parents invented bedtime.

She is pretty cute though.

I should probably go clean the bathroom.

Edit: 11:19 - Baby wakes up...

Other changes that are wrong.

Also, making Captain America a member of Hydra is wrong.

http://www.ew.com/article/2016/05/25/captain-america-villain-hydra-nick-spencer-tom-brevoort

I'm an equal opportunity anti-change grump.

Seriously, Marvel?

To my unborn daughter

21-Apr-16
Dear One,

Did I mention I was terrified? It is starting to strike me randomly, flashes of fear as I ponder your arrival. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" How did I think reproducing would be a good idea? Am I going to vaccinate you? What will I do when you are crying and I've tried holding you, feeding you, rocking you, changing you, and nothing works? How am I going to punish you when you misbehave? Praise and support you when you are good? Shepherd your hear and soul toward the truth that ultimately matters?

Of all the souls in the world, suddenly yours matters most, because it was given to my care and keeping, and I am responsible for it, as much as I am your life and well-being.

How will David and I nurture your soul and guide you ever to God? Encourage you to ever walk in his love and truth?

And in this world where we are not only discarding Biblical values and norms, but traditional norms and even reality, how will I as your mother train you to be a woman in all the glory that God made us?

The modern feminist seems set on tearing down men, and abandoning all things uniquely feminine in order to take men's place. I style myself a feminist. I believe in equal rights, voting, and representation under law. But don't be fooled. Equality does not mean the same. We are equal to men under God, little one, our souls just as precious, our hearts just as dear, His love just as great. We are made in the image of God, just as men were, and we represent a part of God men do not. We are different from men, and that is beautiful.

So how do I convince you of your value as a woman in a culture that can't grasp the inherent beauty of women as God has made us? We are lionesses, the huntress who still lets the males eat first. God has made us softer and physically weaker, but with grid iron at our cores, giving us strength beyond what seems human, used for child-bearing, marriage, even fighting as a mother bear protecting her cubs. We were created as helpmeets. There is a saying that behind everyone successful man, there is a woman. As I am able to more look beyond my selfishness, I am beginning to see that I am to support, counter, complete, and help David. That we are a team and his rise is both of our rise, that we aren't competing, we are one. And I could fight him for his job, or I can use my unique differences to raise him beyond what he can achieve on his own.

And he does the same for me, encouraging me in my strengths and supporting me in my weakness. He has given my heart a safe place from which it can fly.

What if you don't get married? Fine, you are still a woman with the unique beauty therein, and God still has a calling just for you and your talents.

I don't want to raise you in all the stereotypes that people think mean girl, but I don't want to force your way either. I want you to be able to like blue and math and engineering and kickboxing if you want without questioning your femininity or abilities, but if you like pink and Barbies and English and ballet, then more power to you. I don't consider myself girly, but I liked all those things too. Except ballet, never got into that.

In short, I want to give you all the confidence to pursue the things you love or are skilled at, secure in your womanhood without feeling the pressure of culture to prove anything about your femininity.

Dear Lord,

Please soothe and take away my fear. I thank you for my little one and the blessing it is to carry her and raise her. Please protect her heart. Draw her soul to you, save her and writer her name in the book. Please guard her from our culture where we have so lost our way and let her be secure in her identity in you. And please help those of us who the truth to guide and witness to our culture, and point them back to the only Way, Truth, and Life.

I need to stop reading Twitter hashtags

Maybe you've heard of the "Give Elsa a girlfriend," or more accurately #GiveElsaAGirlfriend trend. "Because we want our daughters to know it's ok for a princess to love another princess."

I'm rather hoping this Frozen nonsense will be over before my daughter is old enough to have opinions. Yeah, the movie was amusing, but the resulting explosion of Frozen related stuff was way unexpected. By me anyway. We already have a full set of Disney Princesses, why is this one this popular? I like Mulan better. And the original story "The Snow Queen" that Frozen was, well, not based on. Maybe more like a mild nod in the general direction of the title of the story. It's a good story, though.

And I really don't want to reach the point where my husband is going to have to explain to our daughter why she can't watch Frozen, or dress up as Elsa, or whatever. Cause it's going to be David explaining that.

Why? I personally don't care what consenting adults do with each other, although if you wanted what I believe is moral or right, we'd have to look at the Bible, which seems pretty clear on the subject. Is it a sin? According to the Bible. Why is it a sin for two people to love each other? I'm sorry, culture, I didn't write the rules. Regardless of how you or I feel on the subject, the Bible is clear. We might think we've evolved beyond it, that the Bible is outdated, or unreasonable, or something, but the Bible is clear, our feelings notwithstanding. I don't understand everything God has told us, but it seems a bit pretentious to be like, "Oh, this doesn't make sense to me. God and His word must be wrong." Take it or leave it, but don't try and blur it or outreason it.

What starts to bother me is when it goes beyond consenting adults who "just want to love each other in peace" to what we currently have, which is a huge cultural push to have their actions validated by larger society. All of society. It is no longer, "just let us love in peace," it is, "If you don't approve of or validate our love, you are guilty of thoughtcrime and should be punished." And in this agenda push is a focus on messaging that admittedly seems created to cram the "approved" opinion down the rest of our throats. "It's ok for a girl to love a girl."

So Elsa didn't have a love interest in the first movie and it somewhat makes sense they'd give her one down the road. Whatever. I'm sorry, daughter mine.

Today I was on Twitter and I saw #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend. There was also #MakeMarioKissWario, so I'm like, is this a joke? I clicked on it. It was not a joke.

The argument is that Captain America and "Bucky" from the movies should be a thing. I haven't seen Civil War yet, so I don't know where that goes (and hopefully it ain't there), but I was rooting for Captain America because he represents the libertarian freedom ideal from the founding of America, not the American Government. I'm sorry, Iron Man. I guess you get to play the bad guy again.

Ok, look. I am against things that fundamentally change the nature of pre-established characters. I've mentioned this before. I am against Thor being a woman. I am against Captain America being black. I am against Superman being from Soviet Russia (although that was an entertaining read as an alternate reality). I wasn't even sure I was for recreating Catwoman to not fight in heels. It's part of her charm. If you want to create a new Norse god who is a woman, be my guest. If you want a new defender of libertarian limited government foundational American ideals to be black, be my guest. Don't go changing the ones that already exist because they are important and beloved by people for who they are and that includes how they look, their race, their gender, their personality, their sexual orientation. They are imaginary characters. Go imagine some new ones for your agenda.

"Anyone against this is a homophobe. It doesn't matter at all if Captain America is bi." If it doesn't matter, why are you trying to change him?

Because this movement is trying to force anyone who doesn't agree with them to be bullied until they all go and hide away from the PC crowd and let the PC crowd run the show. "Take our opinion and like it." And eventually, all the narratives will say the same thing, all opposition will be whitewashed away to hide in shame and the PC crowd will have the total victory they were asking for. How can you commit thoughtcrime when there are no words for it?

They can't have their own heroes because ours still stand on their own. So they have to change ours, taking away the things we care about, any difference in opinion, any last bastion of our values until they have infected everything.