Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Identity Crisis of Geekdom

I am having a fantasy identity crisis. Weird concept to start with. It is not an identity crisis for me, the respectful writer, but more of a disconnect between me and one of my characters, my shades, who dated back from my high school years. This character was the embodiment of the depression I was going through then. It was non-clinical and caused by typical high school things, such as not having any guys like me. However, it was pretty deep on some levels and I continued to be affected by it long after high school. I still encounter some of the mental garbage associated with it as well.

When I am down in a rut, sometimes I create more because I have to have a way to tell people what I am feeling. I don't write poetry anymore because I don't have any of the negative feelings to tell.

Anyway, all that aside, I was very involved in an online forum-based role-playing game. Basically, all we did was write on the forums what our character would do and other people would respond with their characters and we could interact and create stories and explore a world fueled only by imagination, proboards, and a decent internet connection. The one I'm talking about in particular was based on X-Men Evolution, starting when most of the main characters are in high school. I will never be able to catch up on all the comics, but I can watch all the episodes of the tv series and felt well-informed before I entered.

In one of my moods, I created an X-Men style character named "Midnight." Original, I'm sure. Midnight was able to create darkness and as a result of her powers and her past, she was even darker and more emo than I was. Many of my characters start out as me, but as I form them for the world they live in and the things they must do, they change and become separate. I refer to them in the third person.

I am very attached to Midnight for the long and creative life she lived (and subsequent role-play addiction I had) and all the stories I carried out in the X-Men world with other writers. But eventually the forum died. I can't even remember why I left.

Now the crisis I'm in revolves around a reoccurring X-Men obsession and the discovery of a new forum, this one based on the movies. I considered bringing Midnight back as a new character on this board, but as I started to re-write her biography, I started making little changes... Her eyes are no longer red on black (think, Gambit) because that is too...overused. Just red irises now. She no longer wears all black... way too goth. She wears maybe some more gothic accessories sometimes, but it's mostly tank top and jeans, with a belt and a pair of shoes that I would wear. Her past was somewhat poorly written, so I'd have to re-write that... each decision chips away at what Midnight was and now I don't know who this character is.

Should I just reformat Midnight and try and learn who she is now? It's hard to write a character you don't know. Or should I completely start from scratch, starting with new powers? Would I know that character any better?

It's hard to abandon a staple of my past. I have imaginative landmarks just as I have the real life events, the ones you vaguely remember forever. I remember back before I started imagining me... I made myself a slim blonde. Eventually I came to grips with the fact that I wasn't going to change and lose the dark eyes and freckles no matter how hard I imagined, so I started putting myself in my stories... little less of a letdown. I vaguely remember so many pieces of cameos I played, trying to add myself into a movie, wanting to experience it first hand and have the characters interact with me. I remember most strongly Midnight and my experience in the role-playing game. I remember putting real faces to the characters in Deerslayer so that I managed to stumble over all the language and over-wordy descriptions to see what happened to the main character... who coincidently looked like a guy I thought was cute.

Do you ever feel like you NEED a story to happen? You need to find or see or hear or imagine a story that is so riveting and creative and well-done you might almost burst if something doesn't fulfill your creative longings? I'm feeling that right now... I've got to find a story...