Thursday, December 27, 2012

More aspirations

There were a couple things I left off of last post because it was getting too long, so I thought I'd add them today. I can't leave cause of the dog (and it's really cold out and I don't have the car), and I'm not quite in the mood to continue fiction writing again. I'm kind of bored.

And what's with dogs, anyway? At like 7:15 she decides she wants out of her kennel and proceeds to whine until we let her out. Take her outside, feed her, she runs around for maybe half and hour, and then goes back to sleep under David's desk... could you have just slept until now anyway? I'm waiting for the time she'll finally sleep through the whole night. It really stinks getting up in the middle of the night to take the dog out.

As far as that goes, I can kind of see both ways now. I can imagine keeping her, although that still bothers me because of the commitment of time and money and so on. It doesn't seem logical. I could also still give her away, although I might come to miss her presence... and feel guilty about giving her away when so many people just gush over her. Really, the way I wouldn't miss her would just be a job... getting me out of the house. And I would like to do that anyway.

She's nice enough, for a dog.

But enough of that. It's only day five.

There are two more things I've been thinking about, and one is a bit of a joke. The first one is David's idea. He thinks I should write a kid's book on how not everyone is a dog person.

David is a bit of a cool guy. He takes nothing personally and is able to joke even over things that might be aimed at him... like me wanting to rehome the dog.

So yeah, kids love dogs and a lot want a puppy... this book would be more of a cautionary tale... not everyone is a dog person. Like I said in the past, I liked horses just like all the other little girls... but I never want one. I knew better. Should have known better in this case too. I'd like to rehome Luna somewhere with kids that want to play with her... that maybe we could visit from time to time. Dogs are better when other people have them. Jacuzzis too, apparently.

And the other thing is boxing. Yeah, I know, I've talked about boxing before. I even would punch up the bag at Anytime Fitness from time to time. And then the summer came around and both of us were out of a job and I wanted to go on RAGBRAI anyway, so more of my exercise time was focused on biking... so I froze my Anytime Fitness account and eventually it expired. I also live somewhere else now, and though Ames has an Anytime Fitness, I'd have to use a car to get there. But I did bike to Mom and Dad's at one point when the weather was good and use my "little" brother's punching bag. Tore up my knuckles, but it was fun. Heh, all I was mad about that I kept thinking about when punching was that I was a bum who didn't know what to do with herself.

Well, my brother gifted me said punching bag for Christmas (I think Mom and Dad wanted it out of the house too) and I want to hang it in the basement. The basement should be a good workout area for a while, as it's pretty low on the reformatting priority list. Also, we have a TV with built in DVD player and drug the living room carpet down there.

And then Mom got me an "Empower Boxing Boot Camp" set that includes weighted gloves, a weight ball, a jump rope, and a bunch of woman-based boxing-based exercises on DVD. I'm kind of excited. The only thing that really makes me want to work out is stuff that seems to have a point beyond just burning calories. Swimming is fun, rock climbing is fun, sports are fun, boxing is fun, martial arts are fun... all that stuff.

I told Nathan my goal was to be able to beat him up by next Christmas. Unlikely, but it should be fun to try.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

New Year's Resolutions and all that.

As typical with the coming of a new year (since the apocalypse didn't happen and all), we feel obligated to perform some sort of life review and make resolutions for the next year. Cause we probably bombed the ones from last year, if we even remember them. I know I don't. And also I didn't make my Goodreads goal of 52 books. In some ways it was a weak goal. That's just one book a week when with some books, like the Uglies trilogy, once I got into them, I read one a day. Also the Goodreads thing only counts new books you read and I reread a lot of my favorites. I think I reread the entire Mercy Thompson series again. And probably Scarlet Pimpernel. Stuff like that. I'm still a Goodreads failure.

Oddly enough, I am in a unique position this year. I live in Ames, have my needs met, and have no job. So I could potentially do a number of things. I have the freedom to not work at all, though I would feel like a colossal waste of space and resources. I could write instead of work, though although I like writing, I don't know how long it would take to actually producing something meaningful... like an actual book or published piece. David is all cool with that, but... I don't know. I'm not sold. I'm never going to give up writing. I'm just not sure when/if I'm going to make it a priority. I was thinking either I'd become an author someday, or become something else and write about it on the side.

So what do I want to do this year? Well, thanks to the *ahem* educational last week, there are a few things I want to do.

Mind, I'm not making resolutions yet. That sounds a bit more intense. More, I am reflecting on some things I would like to do. Like I said previously, it'd be nice to start using my time to help people out, i.e. volunteer. Ideally, I think I'd want to volunteer at a couple places, maybe one for a couple days a week and then something on Sunday at church. It'd also be nice to have a flexible part time job as well. Like, really part time, maybe twenty hours a week or so. And that way I'd make my own spending money (cause I really don't like spending his), I'd be able to help out with the house remodeling costs, and support one or two kids from World Vision.

I've been doing a lot of beating myself up recently, first for letting the dog thing go through when I could've said no, then for not liking puppies because everyone likes puppies, and then for wanting to rehome said puppy. Because only some sort of hater does that. I actually had to be like, "Actually, I still like my dreadlocks!" because I felt the need to reaffirm one of my other controversial decisions to make sure I wasn't just a horrible decision maker.

A children's book called "Those Darn Squirrels" defines a grump as someone who hates puppies and pie. The joke currently is that I'm only a half-grump (I still like pie).

Anyway, now I'm feeling guilty because it took owning said puppy to make me think outside of myself enough to consider volunteering. Previously, literally just like three weeks ago, I would have been "Oh, I don't want to work for no money when the money would be really handy... maybe when we're better off." And now I realize that I've been wasting my time and if it is suddenly devoted to feeding, walking, and picking up the poop of an animal that repays me by letting me pet her and shedding on my jeans, I discover how much time I actually have... and consider how it could be used to do something that mattered.

I'm not sure where I would obtain the very-flexible very part-time job. I tried to be part-time at Panera and it wasn't flexible at all. I would want a job that I could go to, work at, and then forget about it until next time I had to go in. Nothing that would stress me out outside of work. Although I am very easy to stress out, apparently.

I've learned a lot about myself.

However, those plans won't work, at least for a while. Either we give the dog away at the end of the month and I can get to it, or I would have to wait until she is older. The maximum amount of time you can keep a puppy in her kennel during the day (no access to bathroom facilities) is her age in months plus 1 (Luna is two months, so three hours max) up to a maximum of six hours (adult). A lot of jobs tend to want you for a bit longer than that. And if you plan on being gone longer than that, you'll have to get someone to come by and take the dog out. Supposedly once they are house-trained and trained not to chew on everything, you don't have to keep them in the crate (although they still can't really let themselves out). That stage will at least be after teething, which is somewhere between three months and eight months. A long time to cage the dog every time you want to go out.

If, for whatever reason, we don't keep the puppy, there are still some things I'd like to continue. And at this point I'm leaning towards not, but it is only day four of my month. I like the dog well enough, and I think I'd like her better in someone else's house. Preferably someone with kids who will love running around the house with her instead of feeling the need to batten down the hatches. But if we don't keep Luna, I would still 1) like to go on walks. Maybe not in 10 degree weather like today, but I enjoyed being outside with David just strolling around and talking. Yes, having a pet will galvanize you into doing it consistently, but I'm fairly certain people can walk without having to pull/be pulled by a dog. 2), I would still like to feel the need to do something. To be active. To not spend all my time on computer games. There is a world out there and I want to get out in it. And 3), I would still like the feeling of closeness with David. That was bit rocky recently, but the overall effect of having an animal in the house has either been me relying on him for dealing with her (I don't have to do it alone), or me having his attention in spite of her (maybe I'm a bit possessive?).

I'm such a half-grump.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I am an emotional basketcase...

...and I hate myself for it.

As it goes, I thought long and hard about the dog, wrote a manifesto on it, and concluded that I didn't want a dog.

David decided to stand firm and say "two years at the least." I proceeded to have a breakdown, feeling like he was choosing the dog over me and forcing me to care for an animal I didn't like and so on. Thankfully for everyone involved, I forgave him by the end of the next day. It was one frigid night though.

However, I still haven't agreed to the two years thing. I have attempted to say "give me a month to try it out," and he is willing to reopen discussion at that point. The two years thing is so I would know what it is to have a dog... not just a puppy. You think puppies are all cute and stuff? I thought puppies were just smaller dogs, the way kittens are just smaller cats... but cats come housetrained. Puppies are a royal pain in the butt. So I understand that aspect.

So in an attempt to give myself a break from coming up with more convincing arguments against David and to give myself actually time to consider and pray and have a more solid case, I decided to give myself a month. I know she'll still be a puppy in a month, but the case isn't against Luna... it's against dogs and pets in general. Anything that can't live three days unattended I guess. And cost a lot of money.

However, even though I keep telling myself, "One month, one month, one month," I can't shut my stupid brain off. For the first part of the day I freaked out about having to keep her. David won't listen to me as long as I'm running on anxiety. He thinks that my emotions are preventing me from actually thinking clearly and prevent me from even considering liking her. He's probably right.

Then, for the middle of the day I relaxed a bit because I convinced myself that he'd listen to me in a month.

Now, for the latter part of the day, I'm freaking out because if I do convince myself and him to rehome her... would I regret it?

I apparently can't make up my mind.

My conclusion for getting rid of her is that we are spending a lot of time, money, energy, and effort on an animal. If we wanted to improve ourselves or think outside ourselves, there are other things we could do, such as volunteer work for the church. I could get a job and actually give to charity instead of just promoting giving to charity, aka put my money where my mouth is. And we could leave the house for more than a few hours at a time. We could re-devote attention to each other. And we could stop spending more money on her.

My conclusion for keeping her is that she has already helped me see things a lot differently (although I still don't see keeping a dog as a pet), she is adorably cute, and I would forever feel the shame and embarrassment of having a pet for a little over a month. "What happened to your dog?" "Oh, we gave her away because Linsey is a wuss." I'd disappoint the people who have seen her and the people who believe strongly in pets. Granted, by a year I'll probably be the only one who still thinks about it. And might never be able to watch certain movies again. And forever feel guilt about dog movies and such.

I still wish I'd never met her and never had this decision. But I am glad for some of the lessons I've learned. Such as, I should have been treating my real companion (David) better, investing my time in things that actually matter (not computer games), investing my money in things that matter, and there are other things we could get out and do... even just taking walks to reconnect.

I've been praying that if God thinks its for the best we keep the dog, he'd change my mind, and if he thinks its for the best that we rehome her, he changes David's mind.

I also wish I could just shut my brain down for the next month.

Also, I've been making goo-goo eyes at babies. And that is REALLY freaking me out.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Panic Attack

No words I say work. Nothing I do works. It's pretty much hell.

Breath. Let your stomach unclench.

Like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Breath.

My options: Break myself. Force feed myself until my attitude changes into one that is entirely unsupported by my current opinions and logic. I'm feeling betrayed, anxiety, resentment. I don't know how to change those feelings because none of the things that led to them has changed. But I have to.

One day at a time. Forget about having a future. Just live in the moment, one day at a time. Forget about freedom. One day at a time. Aim for a day. Aim for a week. Aim for a month. And there is nothing beyond that.

I'm not a dog person. And I hate myself right now.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

As if it wasn't bad enough...

I really question if I can do this. Every day. Last night I was a total wreck, partially cause I had tried to redirect the puppy to a chew toy like everything says to do when she was chewing on something else, she chewed on it for a moment, then out of nowhere bit my hand. It wasn't hovering near her or anything, just next to me as I sat at my chair. I was so upset. And then she tried to comfort me, probably not knowing why I was upset, just knowing I was. David took me out to eat and I was a mess. And then we came back and found she had separation anxiety and had pooped in her crate again.

David was annoyed/upset, so the puppy kept snuggling up to me while he cleaned out the crate. She could probably tell he was angry. He was already frustrated with her for making me cry.

So that actually ended on somewhat of a good note. She went outside when we took her, didn't cry much when we crated her for the night. She doesn't mind it at night and will sleep most of it. It isn't crying that wakes me up, it's her moving around and it only really wakes me up because I keep thinking "take them out when they wake up" and figure if she is moving around, she might be awake, and if she is awake, she might need to pee. And then she kennels again just fine (still need a treat to get her in there) and goes back to sleep.

Today, I took her out to the backyard for a bit and she messed around, a bit hyper. Then I took her for a walk. On some sections of the walk, she'll go along trying to sniff all the grass, grab sticks and seed pods, and otherwise just explore. If there are people, she'll go through some shy and then interested routines. Same with dogs with a little more on the shy. And then on other sections of the walk, maybe even coming back down a street we just went up, she'll get weird. She'll pull at the leash and keep pulling. We're trying to train her to stop it simply by stopping whenever she pulls. Then she'll sometimes keep looking around, like hearing something we aren't that takes all of her attention. Sometimes she'll keep pulling and jump forward and start whining and crying. Only today I think I really figured out what it was, clued by the separation anxiety. I crouched down and was like, "What? What is the matter with you?" and she scooted right in between my legs, trying to curl up to me. I think she's terrified.

Back inside after a quick trip out back, she started pooping on the rug. I interrupted her, but she didn't continue outside. Nervous maybe? So I put her in her kennel (without scolding, as it appears to not work with the potty training) to clean it up and she went berserk. I didn't want to let her out just because she was whining (she might get ideas), so I went in, got a book, and just sat there for a while. She was panting herself into a fit, clawing at the cage, chewing at the door, trying to dig out the bottom.

I kept talking to her, but it didn't seem to make a difference. I let her out after a little bit and she was hyper for a bit, settling down with the rawhide bone for a while. After a while, she'll either go back into the bedroom and sleep on David's sweatshirt or sleep here in the study. She's in the bedroom now. She never really goes into her kennel unless we tempt her in.

Looking back through the puppy book, I think we made a mistake. I didn't read the chapter on selecting one because by the time we bought the book, we already had one. But it says to take puppies that will come up to you, that like to explore, that are curious. Luna was timid, didn't come up to us. The previous owners talker her up for being "relaxed" and "calm" unlike other husky puppies. But I think she's broken.

Why do you just kick me while I'm down? Add another thing to the list of problems? I have to deal with a dog, who is also a puppy, who is also a husky, who is also timid. One of my favorite things about being an unemployed waste of space was that I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Christmas shopping on Main Street, biking over to Mom and Dad's to use their punching bag, walking to the mall...

And now my whole life is consumed by this puppy. I have to watch her feed her walk her take her out and get bitten and tugged and jumped and yelped at...

True pet owners would probably berate me for what I'm saying. People are like, "But it's so worth it!" or "I have to think of what's best for them!" and I just don't get it. So she grows up to a dog... is having a dog worth it? I don't know. What's best for her? Probably somebody other than me, someone who can actually love her and actually wants to invest the time.

David maintains this is going to be good for me. It's been really peachy so far.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

As many options as anything else

Why why why why does there have to be multiple options for everything? There should be fact and people should be able to operate off of fact.

And I'm not talking options as potato chips options.

So I talked about how the Dog Whisperer is magic. In search of more information on my crazy hyper demon puppy, I've run into other articles saying that you can train without cruel devices like "choke collars" (which Cesar uses), you don't need to dominate the puppy because they know you are dominate: you control the food. Or, as read on a message board "Does not matter that a guy named Ceasar has a show and makes a whole lot of money training "alpha" philosophy - it is still not current with where training has evolved." Ugh, says who??? Seems like half the dog owners are asking for help and the other half think they know everything. Where has the "current state of training" evolved to? Shouldn't there be one way, the right way, proven by research? Or can we not really actually know how dogs work?

Worrying about if the techniques I'm using are the right ones has certainly messed with "calm-assertive" pose. Because Cesar can make dogs do what he wants in ten minutes and Luna doesn't do what I want. I try to stop her chewing the carpet and she tries to get back by attacking my fingers. If I'm taking her somewhere she isn't interested in going and she's hyper, it's all running and jumping and nipping and grabbing the leash.

And dang it, I'm crying again.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Calm-Assertive

As you know, if you are one of the five or so people who read this blog, I was freaking out. Majorly. I don't think I remember last time I freaked out so much. I was a total wreck. I still might be and just don't know it... no, it appears I can think about crying without crying. That's an improvement.

And to blame is the Siberian Husky puppy named Luna. I still get a quiver in my stomach sometimes thinking about her. But I've been over that. Although I am still trying to see the good in having a dog to take care of, I am at least now thinking that I might be able to do this. And what brought the change?

The Dog Whisperer.

Earlier today I stumbled over Cesar Millan's site while searching for something dog-related. That's how bad it is, every free moment I'm pouring over something that I hope will impart me with the magic ability to make this puppy do what I want. And after finding his site, I remember reading somewhere that someone said they had two submissive huskies and a happy family thanks to his show. So I started watching. And this guy is magic, serious magic. He seems to be able to walk into any situation of any sort of dog misbehavior and with some intuition and leader of the pack mojo and a "calm-assertive" energy projection, he seems to be able to have any dog sitting at his feet in under ten minutes.

And so apparently dog training is a lot about attitude. And I can muster attitude.

And also I've been informed that puppies do not always control your life forever. I'm really just waiting for the time she's housebroken and doesn't need to go like once every two hours or more.

And David appears to have no intentions of getting rid of her. Well, maybe we can be running companions or something.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I'm a worrywart.

And so here starts the saga of the puppy. And I'm a total mess.



























Her name is Luna. She looks cute, doesn't she? And all I can do is worry. Right now, I worry about her chewing on the wrong things and where she's going to stay for Christmas, or if I'll have to spend my Christmas babysitting her. When she explores and tries to play, I worry about what she'll find. When she sleeps, I worry about her being awake and hyper when I need her to sleep later. And not to mention housetraining. I know, I'm a party pooper.

And as she ages, I will worry her shedding, about her getting away, about training her, about her destroying things out of boredom. And what I'll do with her when I have to go somewhere, or what we'll do with her while we're on trips? We've had her for two days, and I'm about to give myself an ulcer. I've also worked myself into a state where my emotions are on a bigger roller coaster than I can remember. I can be happy and then crying just like that.

David has thought about it for a while, but for me, it went from a conversation in which I thought we'd ruled puppies out to David coming home for lunch and calling the owner to the next day picking her up. I was brought into the discussion and then because of my pre-puppy worry, taken out of the discussion. I couldn't decide, so it was decided for me.

David thinks it will be a good thing. Caring for an animal will help make us less selfish, less living just for us... but I've got to admit, I rather liked living for myself. And maybe this will help us graduate toward kids.

A friend pointed out that it seemed weird to get a dog I don't want to get me to get kids I don't want.

I do trust David on this. However, I don't really trust myself. And I've cried twice in writing this. Really, I am crying just thinking about crying these days. And that awful school shooting makes me cry pretty much every time I think about it.

But it isn't all bad, really. I've just never had a puppy. She's only had four accidents (which might seem like a lot for two days, but we've been taking her out every one to two hours, so that is a LOT of overall... pottying). She's really good with meeting other dogs and people. She'll get hyper and like to chew, but after a short bit she usually calms down and eventually just chills or naps. She doesn't whine all night, just a little bit in the beginning. So she seems pretty good, for a puppy. I'm sure there are worse puppies. David rubs my back and tells me it will be okay and I try to believe him.

I'm kind of pathetic.

Friday, December 14, 2012

With Great Puppies Comes Great Responsibility

So, David is getting me a Siberian husky puppy for Christmas. And I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

I'm freaking out, really freaking out. We're bringing her home tonight and I'm worrying that the cage is too big for her, the backyard is unfenced if she tries to make a break during a potty break, housetraining, where she will be during Christmas with the family, etc. I'm getting an adorable puppy and all I can do is be like, "That will take all morning away. Will the puppy be okay without me for that long?"

I keep trying to reassure myself: other people have pets and can still live somewhat normal lives. Do they all have to come back to the house multiple times a day to let the puppy out?

Part of it is that I'm really scared about it inhibiting my ability to do things. All of a sudden, I have to worry about where the puppy is going to be and who is taking care of the puppy. Will she be okay when I go on that spring break trip? If David stays home, is coming back at lunch enough time to take care of her? Huskies love to run... what if she makes a dash for it during a potty break? How will we get her back? She doesn't know us yet.

And part of it is that I am worried about doing it wrong. What if I don't train her just right? What if I don't socialize with her just right? What if she doesn't love me? Will she feel abandoned or betrayed? Try to run away? Get picked up by animal shelter selling drugs to other dogs?

I have to wonder if I've got some deep-rooted issues. If I am freaking out this much about a dog, what will I do with the kids everyone keeps pressuring me to have? David is starting to act like getting a dog is some sort of training for me, a beginning step. I've read like five websites, browsed several books, asked questions, discussed issues, tried to think out every problem I could handle... and I'm still scared spitless.

By the way, we're thinking either Luna or Echo for a name.


Monday, December 3, 2012

My Life Is Where Dreams Go To Die

A particularly emo title. I didn't mean it that emo. Maybe at the time. No, it's more about the tendencies I have to dream and then get attached to said dream, and then stupid reality kicks in. Dang reality. So last post was on me wanting to fly. I managed to keep that dream alive for like a week. A week is a long time to deny reality. Well, maybe not for me...

On Friday of said week, I talked to two people who had been flying with private pilot's licenses. One was selling waaaay overpriced window hangings and it had been a hobby for her. She said it took like $8000 to get your private pilot's license because you had to rent the trainer and his plane.

Then later I talked to David's boss who had his license as well and he said you really need to have a purpose with it if you want to pursue it, or it's just an expensive hobby. But to go from private pilot license to being a commercial pilot, you need at least 1000 hours flight time. I'd NEVER be able to afford that short of buying my own plane, which really is just a different set of costs.

So I moped around a bit. Some dreams die harder than others. I was hoping this one would last until after I like actually got to fly once. And then I thought of joining the military again. In college it seemed a good way to save money to join the National Guard. Family talked me out of it. I know the Marines are the most hard core, hence the Guard. No offense.

This time, I was searching the Air Force website (they ranked easier than several of the others as well) and saw Pilot as a listing. Minimum requirement: Bachelor's degree. Hey, I've got that. But I texted my brother again (as a Marine, he has strong opinions on women in the military) and said,
Me: I'm not allowed to join the air force, right?
Nathan: Gross
Me: Only way to learn how to fly and make money instead of spend tons.
Nathan: Gross
Me: Well, in that case, I don't think I'll be able to do it.
Nathan: Lindsey (I assume this spelling was from his auto-correct. They don't like me.). If you only knew how terrible and not a place for a lady this is.

Eh, I'm not a lady. But I get what he's saying. Sort of. And I bet the Air Force wouldn't let me keep my dreads. They say they let girls keep their hair (which seems like a double standard, if you ask me), but I've always seen the girls wear it in tight buns. My hair doesn't do tight buns. It actually doesn't even go up very well yet. I mostly just use headbands.

It's just so hard to see an opportunity that takes almost anyone (though I'm sure they don't let "almost anyone" pilot) and guarantees employment and would give me the hours and qualifications I need and the commercial airlines love to get pilots from the Air Force. In West Des Moines we'd see the fighter jets fly over once or twice and month and they look awesome.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't like the military. The deployments and the constant claim on your life for years and the orders and the obsession with how well you make your bed and so on. It isn't a life for everyone. But I wouldn't ever stay in it for life and it just bugs me that such an obvious way to meet and end (for a host of things, not just flying) would be denied me... and not that they are blocking me out because I'm a woman, but my friends and family are blocking me out of it because I'm a woman.

Being a girl can suck.