...and I hate myself for it.
As it goes, I thought long and hard about the dog, wrote a manifesto on it, and concluded that I didn't want a dog.
David decided to stand firm and say "two years at the least." I proceeded to have a breakdown, feeling like he was choosing the dog over me and forcing me to care for an animal I didn't like and so on. Thankfully for everyone involved, I forgave him by the end of the next day. It was one frigid night though.
However, I still haven't agreed to the two years thing. I have attempted to say "give me a month to try it out," and he is willing to reopen discussion at that point. The two years thing is so I would know what it is to have a dog... not just a puppy. You think puppies are all cute and stuff? I thought puppies were just smaller dogs, the way kittens are just smaller cats... but cats come housetrained. Puppies are a royal pain in the butt. So I understand that aspect.
So in an attempt to give myself a break from coming up with more convincing arguments against David and to give myself actually time to consider and pray and have a more solid case, I decided to give myself a month. I know she'll still be a puppy in a month, but the case isn't against Luna... it's against dogs and pets in general. Anything that can't live three days unattended I guess. And cost a lot of money.
However, even though I keep telling myself, "One month, one month, one month," I can't shut my stupid brain off. For the first part of the day I freaked out about having to keep her. David won't listen to me as long as I'm running on anxiety. He thinks that my emotions are preventing me from actually thinking clearly and prevent me from even considering liking her. He's probably right.
Then, for the middle of the day I relaxed a bit because I convinced myself that he'd listen to me in a month.
Now, for the latter part of the day, I'm freaking out because if I do convince myself and him to rehome her... would I regret it?
I apparently can't make up my mind.
My conclusion for getting rid of her is that we are spending a lot of time, money, energy, and effort on an animal. If we wanted to improve ourselves or think outside ourselves, there are other things we could do, such as volunteer work for the church. I could get a job and actually give to charity instead of just promoting giving to charity, aka put my money where my mouth is. And we could leave the house for more than a few hours at a time. We could re-devote attention to each other. And we could stop spending more money on her.
My conclusion for keeping her is that she has already helped me see things a lot differently (although I still don't see keeping a dog as a pet), she is adorably cute, and I would forever feel the shame and embarrassment of having a pet for a little over a month. "What happened to your dog?" "Oh, we gave her away because Linsey is a wuss." I'd disappoint the people who have seen her and the people who believe strongly in pets. Granted, by a year I'll probably be the only one who still thinks about it. And might never be able to watch certain movies again. And forever feel guilt about dog movies and such.
I still wish I'd never met her and never had this decision. But I am glad for some of the lessons I've learned. Such as, I should have been treating my real companion (David) better, investing my time in things that actually matter (not computer games), investing my money in things that matter, and there are other things we could get out and do... even just taking walks to reconnect.
I've been praying that if God thinks its for the best we keep the dog, he'd change my mind, and if he thinks its for the best that we rehome her, he changes David's mind.
I also wish I could just shut my brain down for the next month.
Also, I've been making goo-goo eyes at babies. And that is REALLY freaking me out.
No comments:
Post a Comment