Well, since that didn't work...

The doctor's results came in and it turns out I am safe. The lump is just a collection of "fiberous tissue" and I should check back in about six months if it is still there. So that is good news... although the chronicle of my battle with cancer is now suspended indefinitely. What am I going to do with the blog posts that would have been the beginning of my best selling non-fiction memoirs? Ah well, such is my life. Boring, but at least safe.

I also managed to kill my idea of becoming the mouthpiece of the ever oppressed minimum wage earner by following my dream of quitting. I can hardly say I speak for the working(ish) class if I am blissfully unemployed with my bills being paid by my husband's job that earned twice of what I made and had benefits and bonuses. And he actually likes it.

But anyway, I finally quit. Now, for as much as I hated working there and have been toying with the idea of writing an essay on broken management practices and dreaded going back every single day... with all that, I really had no solid plans to quit. I told myself that I would start looking for another job and eventually maybe find something at least a step up from food service (not that food service is bad, but I don't have the stamina for it), and then I would quit and my excuse would be either "I am moving on to a career in my major/interest field" or "I am moving on to something that pays twice as much." And that would be completely justifiable.

However, I talked to my brother from the Marines one Sunday night and he spent a good five minutes telling me to quit because I hated it. And that's when I started actually thinking about it. I mean, I didn't have another job, how could I quit? And then I realized that having this job made me safe... I knew what to expect, I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't sitting around as a bum. And I'm not sure when I would ever start. That job was my crutch. And I have just removed it.

Oh sure, you think, that sounds very convincing, but now you actually are a bum and that certainly sounds like the easy way out... and I haven't convinced myself that it isn't. But I can only sit idle for so long. I am taking a week off after my two weeks are up and then... doing something. Maybe I'll just look for jobs and bother employers for a while, even though I hate the thought of trying to be my own salesman. Or maybe I'll actually start writing. Short stories to start with. Science fiction is fun... but I need to start producing something, somewhere.

By the way, my excuses ended up being much lamer. "Why are you quitting?" "To follow my dreams." "I think it is time to move on." Oh well, two weeks are still as final, even with lame excuses.

Not so informative results

So, still no news as to what the mysterious lump may be. I had a doctor's appointment that confirmed there in fact was a lump. Maybe that was to prove I wasn't crazy or a hypochondriac. They then assigned me to get an ultrasound the next day. I even got an official doctor's note and everything. So I got that done and should get results from that on Monday.</p>
<p>Now, I don't actually know what those results will be able to tell me. The doctor said something about discovering the consistency of the lump and I guess they'll choose what they need to do from there.</p>
<p>What I do know is that this is going to be kind of rough on work. I had not said anything about it to my boss, but I had to get off an hour early to get the ultrasound done. It was as quick of a turnaround as we could get. Apparently, these things should done pretty soon. She takes the note, which just says I need to be excused for a "crucial appointment." Without even asking why, she looks at me and asks, "Couldn't you have done this some other time?" Well, I might just be in danger of cancer and death and my life depends on getting a fairly quick turnaround of diagnosis, but you're right, I should postpone my appointment so I can take that extra hour and make sure there are tomatoes on the salad line.</p>
<p>I don't normally actually let my sarcasm out to play in situations like this, so I quickly explained the situation and added that, like a good employee, had called in yesterday and let a manager know what was happening and he was fine with it. Without another word, no sympathy or "I hope everything is all right" that you might expect from normal feeling people, even strangers that you don't know, she took the note and went (stalked) back to the office.</p>
<p>Okay, well, I followed policy, so whatever. Later she comes out and asks, "what manager did you talk to yesterday?" What are you going to do? Chastise them for letting me off? Maybe next time they'll have to get some begging? Make me find a replacement for an afternoon hour? Maybe manage to head me off BEFORE I get the note so when I ask to get off, she can cackle maniacally and deny my request.</p>
<p>Now, I don't think I have cancer and I'm sure I'll be fine, but if I do end up getting cancer, I am so quitting. Not only will I probably feel like crap, but when I'd have to get off for stuff like radiation, I don't want to encounter, "Well, couldn't you have done this some other time?"</p>

Further Information

Fibroadenoma. Occurring in young girls and women in their teens and 20s, fibroadenomas are more common in those who use use birth control pills before age 20. This benign tumor ranges in size from microscopic to several inches across. It is movable under the skin, round and hard like a marble, and may be diagnosed by aspiration or removal of the lump. If the fibroadenoma shrinks or doesn’t grow over time, and your doctor is sure of the diagnosis, he or she may decide to simply leave it alone.
(http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/when-to-worry-about-breast-lumps.aspx)

This seems probably the closest to my symptoms. I am 24, but didn't start birth control until 22. Otherwise, lump seems the same as the description. Although "benign tumor" seems like an oxymoron. Maybe I have just been around too many people who have had cancer. Hopefully, this is not cancer. I like my breasts. I want to keep them.

Otherwise, website recommends a doctor's appointment for any suspicious lump. I'm going tomorrow.

Reality hits like a bucket of cold water

So for the entire day, I really have only been able to think about one thing: Star Wars: The Old Republic, an online massive multiplayer role playing game (MMORPG). I wasn't sure that I would even be interested originally, as I play WoW, it would be another monthly subscription game, and many MMORPGs have been made only to fall again. But after my two weekend stress test beta invites, I was hooked. I wanted back on. It combined some of the things I found addictive about Dragon Age with MMORPG gameplay and the epic Star Wars universe. I preordered and am now waiting for my early access to kick in. I'm not real sure when I am going to get it at all, and so have been agonizing about it. And since I had today off and it was raining and I already finished my library books... I really wanted to play.

Now, I had just finished taking a shower and was trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the day and attempting to figure out if I could do any of my chores for the next two days early, to save time. I was letting my thoughts drift and lay down on the bed before I got dressed and somehow discovered a bump I have never noticed before in the lower section of one of my breasts.

It is difficult to describe the reaction to something like that. It's like all of my thoughts of Star Wars, my own fantasy world, what to make for supper, work the next day and so on... all those drained out of my head just as my heart tried to hold its breath. I didn't believe something like this would ever happen to me. It is something you hear about happening to other people. It doesn't enter my little quiet monotonous world. I had to verify. I started to write a text to David and had to verify again. It felt more like a dream than reality, one of those things I encounter when my brain is half asleep and marinating in whatever random thoughts.

It still feels like a dream. David hasn't texted back. My mom hasn't texted back. I seem unnaturally alone. I don't know if the next step is a doctor's appointment or the ER. I don't know if it is benign or malicious. I am floating somewhere between fear and disbelief. I am scared.

Sick of Sick

Before I start, I'd like to note that honey and hot water mixed together with a little bit of lemon juice is one of the worst things I've ever drank. I am mentally scanning my life to see if I can come up with something worse. Nothing comes to mind.

So I'm still "sick" and I can't ever remember a cold being this much a problem before. I can't talk much, my voice is on the fritz. So I was worried when they put me on cash register at Panera because the other cashier was coughing a lung up. It was ok for a little bit. I could talk quietly. Then as I kept talking, the back of my throat dried out, aggravated my cough, and sent me into coughing fits so bad they made me gag. I wasn't on register very long after that.

I calmed down a bit after I stopped talking and was able to do other things... really quietly. One of the remedies suggested by concerned coworkers was the honey and hot water thing... I hate tea, but I'd almost think it'd taste better.

Anyway, this cold is a problem because I work in food services, and nobody wants someone hacking all over their food. So I've washed my hands like a bazillion times, use gloves, and take a break whenever I cough, but it is decidedly inconvenient.

So, out come the cough drops. Maybe I can coat my throat so it doesn't dry out. Or maybe honey and water will prove to be a miracle concoction.

On a side note, I am not exercising while this is going on. I don't want to hack all over the gym, too. David is like, "who knows, exercise could help cleanse you!" Uh, if that were true, nobody would be recommending bed rest, naps, relaxing, etc. for sickness. They'd just tell you to run a few laps. Maybe I'll tell HIM that next time he is sick.

Sandwiches of Your Nightmares!

At last, my skills have been acknowledge! I am moving up in the job world! I am... in charge of paninis. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the signature hot sandwiches of Panera are in my hands. The glory! The prestige!

Actually, this job shift, while a slight relief from the monotony, is akin to some of my nightmares. Just to note, I am not alone in this sort of nightmare. I dream I am making breakfast sandwiches and can't remember what goes in them and it takes me like five minutes to make one (goal time: under three minutes) and then I drop it on the floor and have to remake it. Geez, even my dreams are stressful. So, as I am new to panini making, it takes me at least twice as long as any of the line people. And as the time continues ticking and the sandwiches just seem to be coming together so slow... Not to mention fellow co-worker Klifer asking every 10 minutes, "Are you done yet?"

My manager has actually been really cool about it taking me from 08:00 to 10:30 to make the paninis, never pestering me and only occasionally asking me where I am. "Just try everyday to beat your time from the previous day," she advised. Course, we had to introduce a new panini, which makes it slightly more painful.

Anyway, those sandwiches were my stress problem last week. I wonder if I'll keep chugging away at them this week.

Like I said, at the very least, it is something different.

Life Goal List (aka "Kill List" or "Bucket List")

Several different sources have recommended forming a list of goals that I would like to accomplish during my life. The list would give me an idea and a focus of things I'd like to accomplish. I am twenty-four years old and I am now past the "once I get out of school" phase. I have already completed a few, like graduating and getting married. But now I am just passing time in a dead end job, thinking "I'll get out of here eventually." Even if I stay in my job, I need to do something else with my time, other than gaming. I need to progress. Otherwise, my life will just be stagnate, waiting.

Completed:
Own a bike
Get a gym membership
Graduate
Get married

In progress:
Bike RAGBRAI (Summer 2012)
Learn to box

Yet to be started:
Learn ASL
Learn Turkish
Learn massage
Get my pilot's license
Learn belly dance
Join choir?
Visit Ireland
Write a book
Publish a book
Run a blog
Get a Harley and travel cross country (35+)
Learn some form of self-defense
Learn guitar
To be continued...

Rock Off

In a rather stupid move, I attended a casting call for LAZER 103.3 radio station to find their next "Rock Girl." I say stupid because afterward I heard them call it on the radio the search for their next "spokesmodel." As there is no chance I will ever be close to being a model. David will look upset and tell me I'm beautiful, and I'm hardly fishing for compliments, but I know what I look like. I may not be dog ugly and I can see how I can appeal to the few who have ever found me attractive, but model I am not. I'm not skinny and blond, either, which would've helped I think.

All that aside, I want to be the Rock Girl. They do get a lot of free stuff and I think that's cool, but that's not why I'm doing it. I love rock music. It is difficult to describe sometimes how it is to rock out, volume up, singing at the top of my lungs while the beat and guitar riffs pound along my veins, capturing me in the sound and the moment. Something speaks to me more in this genre than any other I've listened to. Probably my favorite band is 10 Years, and the first song of theirs I heard was "Through the Iris." Sometimes it still gives me chills to listen to it. So being the Rock Girl, I would be working for LAZER 103.3 in an easy schedule not exceeding 25 hours a week (although sounds like it might have some odd hours), basically promoting the station and being exposed to rock, attending concerts. It would be varied, interesting, and fun.

Sadly, I don't believe my views on the work or the genre itself are going to get me in. Viewing my competition, the chances of me becoming top 10 are slim at best, probably impossible. The only comment I've had compares me to the lead singer of Foo Fighters, who is in fact male (oddly enough, I can see that). Hardly complementary.

Anyway, if you felt so inclined, you can vote for me. First round ends the 16th and Top 10 will be announced the 19th.

We all want to be big rock stars...

What feature do you like best about yourself?
My imagination and passion.

Who is your favorite LAZER artist?
Seether and Apocolyptica are the ones I crank up in the car.

What is the craziest thing you have done?
Growing up in a different country was pretty crazy sometimes.

What celebrity do you most look like?
(My grandmother. Wait, you haven't heard of her? Damn!)
If I get this gig, I'll sort of be a celebrity, and that will be the closest I've been to looking like one.

Why should you be the LAZER 103.3 Rock Girl?
Because in some small way, when I found rock, I found a part of myself, and I would love to continue with this passion/favorite on the front lines with LAZER and would do my best to deserve the place.

Concentrated Frustration

I hate my job. However, I have been informed that a large majority of people actually hate their jobs. So what is it about me that makes me so severely discontent? I cannot fathom 9-5 of a job for the rest of my life, much less one I can't stand. How do people do it, day in and day out, just mindless grinding of work? Even in the early days when I didn't mind working there and was still learning stuff, I was embarrassed because it had nothing to do with my major and seemed like I was lowering myself to work in food services. I worked in the same town I graduated from and would see professors and fellow students from time to time. I wanted to say hi, but I also wanted to hide so they wouldn't see me in this position. Even from the beginning, I had no intention of staying.

The...wanderlust...has gotten so bad. I can't stand my job anymore. Either it is the managers micromanaging, scolding, and driving me crazy or it is rude customers or just customers who don't think at all... It has gotten about the time I need a different job. I want to job hop for the rest of my life, really, finding something interesting and temporary and moving on. This job has served its purposes.

To be honest, I don't know if there is anywhere I can be content. I have my doubts that there is a job that can charm me so much I want to stay there for extended periods of time. All of my jobs so far have been endured, at best. Is there really a place I'd actually somewhat enjoy? I doubt it.

Hence the job hopping. I need to go out and learn something new. But what?