Why yes, I would like some cheese. And definitely some wine.

This isn't a "mommy" blog. I don't have some grand conclusion that affirms all your hard work or decisions or whatever. I don't have beautifully lit photos of baby shoes or whatever.

I could get you a video of her polka-dot butt rocking around in her crib as she fights a nap.

This is real. This is raw. This is beautiful. This is a sad baby who doesn't like naps.

Basically, I'm just here to gripe.

I'm past the days where I wish I wasn't a parent. I have entered the days of wishing I could take a break. You know, maybe use a vacation day, take the day off, go away for the weekend, or even just have her take an hour and a half nap instead of a forty-five minute nap.

I fantasize about it, about giving her to Grammy for the night, but to be honest, if Genevieve doesn't wake me up by like 03:30, I wake up on my own and worry until she does. So I won't be getting any sleep if I gave her away for the night. Which I've already made pretty much impossible by exclusively breastfeeding anyway (partially a desire to give my baby the best, partially pure laziness cause it's super easy). And if Grammy does take her for a few hours, gradually my mind won't think about anything else until she's back in my arms. Heck, if she's in bed asleep for a few hours before I go to bed, I'm already kind of looking forward to her waking up and nursing her.

Until she actually does wake up, of course. What, it's not even midnight! Seriously, baby!

The past couple of days, she's seemed extra fussy. She'll play with a toy until she gets frustrated and throws a fit and nothing makes her happy except to be carried around bounced. I, of course, try and find the reason. Stomach troubles? Teething? Wonder week? Tired? Or, worst of all, a highly opinionated baby with no attention span who needs to be constantly entertained and will be like this for the rest of her life?

That's about the time I want to check out. Pray about it, is advice, but God is probably getting sick of my "please please please let her take longer than forty-five minute naps." He certainly hasn't done anything about it. Although, she has also lived through every night, so he's answering some.

It's just, this Friday, it's hard to have her scream in my ear and know I have to deal with it. Until nap time. Until bedtime. Until tomorrow. Until next week. Until next month. Until next year. Until high school graduation. I don't get to tap out, I don't get to take the weekend off.

Oh sure, "it gets better" and "this too shall pass," but honestly unless it gets better tomorrow, it might as well be high school graduation for me.

Things have gotten better, way better since the beginning. Dang it brain, I wanted to just complain, why do you have to bring that up?

Whatever. Basic point, Princess Fussbudget is hard to deal with and it's too cold outside to go on walks and I want the weekend off. With whine, wine, and cheese.

Edit: I think her naps are getting shorter.

The Two Evils

I posted this on Facebook:

It's almost funny (if it weren't so sad) how every new Clinton cover-up or Trump being disgusting seems so shocking to everyone from the other side. We all know by now that Clinton is a lying corrupt crook and Trump is a crazy chauvinist pig. Good luck convincing the die-hards, they don't seem to care.

I admit, I have voted the lesser of the two evils before. It has a twisted, compelling logic. But this election, I can't stomach either candidate. They are both simultaneously the worst possible candidate ever. I don't share ideals with Clinton (and don't think she's honest enough to enact anything that doesn't benefit her at the moment) and while Trump occasionally says something useful, he tends to change his mind several times and forget he ever said anything to that effect and is also untrustworthy (and very dangerously thin-skinned).

So I can't vote for either. And I urge everyone else to vote their conscience. The two-party system uses and abuses it's voters for their own ends and if we swallow our pride and morals and keep falling in line with the party we think might align the closest, we both lose our integrity and strengthen the stranglehold the parties have over us.

If one of these candidates represents you, like you really actually agree with or like them, then go for it.

But the only way we'll ever escape this trap of huge political parties dictating down to us, giving us "democracy" while depriving us of making choices we actually want to make is to take the power from them. If people stop going along with the corruption and start voting third party or getting involved locally or writing letters or something else to make a change, we might eventually get through to them. Eventually topple the giants. It might not happen this election. I think the Republican party could be mortally wounded and the Democratic party has lost faith with many of their followers. But say we pour our votes into other candidates. Maybe one of the crooks would still win. But they'll see the trend. They'll see we are starting to question what they always told us. Maybe they'll soften back toward their base. Maybe they'll tighten their grip until we slip from them.

I also urge you to vote for someone actually running for president. If you feel the need to write in a candidate, if nobody really matches, then go ahead and do that. But I think that if other candidates surge, if enough of us throw our support behind them, it will make more of an impact (of course, Mickey Mouse could end up being president this year).

I've seen Gary Johnson's name tossed up a lot. I'm a libertarian by philosophy, but not part of the the Libertarian Party, and honestly I've heard he's not that good of a libertarian, so I probably won't support him.

Jill Stein is running for the Green party. Not my party, but it could be yours.

Evan McMullin is a name I've heard and he seems pretty good on some of my issues and seems level-headed.

Darrel Castle is running for the Constitution Party. I agree with the Constitution, but their key issues seems to be a little narrow in focus, leaving off some other issues I care about.

I don't know, there could be others. Find them. Read about them. Maybe still vote for Mickey Mouse or Ron Paul or Bernie Sanders or your pastor or your dad. But I'd like to at least start showing the two-party establishment that we're not always just going to bow our heads and go along when they get farther and farther away from representing us.

Oh, and I'm not part of the Republican Party. I only joined back up to vote in the caucuses and left again. It will not be my fault if Trump loses. It will be Trump's fault for alienating so many people and being so seriously flawed.

Non-Facebook, now. I just wanted to add that this election might seem dire, close to apocalyptic. Certainly the commentators and newscasters and candidates themselves try and sell that line. But, like my father always said, "Christ and the Church." Volunteer locally. Spend time with your family. Attend church. Do God's work where you can. Pray. PRAY. Christians have been through much worse and we've been blessed to have a country so aligned to our ideals for these past couple hundred years. If it comes to an end, know it's been bad before, it could be bad again, but our faith is not up for election and Christ will not cease to be if the "wrong" person gets elected. See the beauty in the fall leaves and pray.

Why did babies get a startle reflex and not a sleep one?

Naptime with the swaddle:
Ginny: I'm so sleepy...
Me: Let's wrap you up and put you to bed.
Ginny: No, I'm fine! I don't want to nap.
*give her the pacifier and place my hand on her chest*
Ginny: Pacifier is fun. And woah, I'm tired. Actually, here's the pacifier back. My eyes aren't opening anymore. Zzzz...

Naptime without the swaddle:
Ginny: I'm so sleepy.
Me: Here is your crib.
Ginny: No, I'm fine, I don't want to nap!
Me: Umm... here's the pacifier?
*tries to give pacifier*
Ginny: You're doing it wrong. Let me hold it. And hold your hand. With both my hands. And wait, I can roll over. *rolls over* I don't want to be in the crib! *cries*
*tries to give pacifier*
Ginny: Hmm, pacifier. Let me hold it. No, wait, I'm on to you. I don't want to be here! *cries**gets head up, moves head to the other side* I don't like this side! *cries**gets head up, moves head to other side*
Me: Pacifier?
Ginny: I hate your stupid pacifier! And now my sheets are wet! *cries*
Me: They wouldn't be wet if you stopped crying on them. *moves baby*
Ginny: I don't want to nap! You can't make me! *cries*
Me: You sound completely exhausted...
Ginny: But I hate sleeping! *cries*
Me: Let's try your back.
Ginny: Hey, you moved me. Am I getting up?
*put hand on her chest and offer pacifier*
Ginny: Oh, that pacifier thing again. Nah, I want to roll over. Your hand is holding me back. I want to roll over! *cries and struggles*
*remove hand*
*rolls over* Man, I'm so tired. I'm so tired it makes me upset. *cries*
Me: You need to sleep, little girl.
Ginny: I don't know how to sleep! I'm so tired! *cries*
*pats back ineffectually. Offers pacifier*
Ginny: I don't want it! I'm too tired! *cries**blinks heavily**starts just fussing* This sucks! *cries hysterically, pushes head up*
*stands there ineffectually*
Ginny: I'm so tired I can't sleep. *cries exhaustedly**cries hysterically**cries exhaustedly**cries hysterically**cries exhaustedly*
Me: *cries*

23:30... why...

First off, in response to my last post.

There. Headband. Only way I could make it more obvious is to put a stamp on her forehead that says "girl."

So it is 23:30. And I'm awake.

Last night, I couldn't get to sleep. I was just falling asleep at 02:00 when Ginny woke up for the first time. I must be going through a sleeping regression. And here I thought Ginny was the one who was supposed to get those.

It's bad enough when Ginny manages to sleep until like 03:30 or 04:00 and I wake up at 03:30 and worry that she died in her sleep or something which negates the point of her sleeping for seven to eight hours in a row. Clearly I'm not ready for her to sleep through the night. If she would only get to the point where she would actually go to sleep at bedtime and then only wake up once during the night at like 03:30... Perfect. Almost. Perfect for me at this time.

Or whatever stage of life I was in before last night. So last night I couldn't sleep and I was super sleepy tired all day today. Ginny has a sixth sense about when I leave the house or need a nap and she shortens hers accordingly, so my daughter took mostly short naps all day and as a result, I didn't get a nap. And there's nothing more disappointing then almost falling asleep and then hearing a baby cry and knowing you have to get up for it. First world problems, I can't deal with it.

I'm like, "Hey, tonight I'll crash. It will be good."

Well...

I don't know, my throat is kind of scratchy. It keeps drying out when I breathe in and that's super irritating. So instead of tossing for three hours, I got up and made myself some echinacea tea, which I generally just refer to as "immune boosting tea" because I can't pronounce echinacea, after googling if it was safe while nursing of course. I was going to add honey and lemon for throat coating, but my lemon juice expired like three years ago, so I just added honey and honey in tea is gross.

My tea is gone now. I guess I'll go and try and sleep again. Seriously, if I don't get sleep, I'll be like the walking dead tomorrow and that's no good way to take care of a baby.

On the appropriate color coding of infants

On Sunday, my child wore this:

It's a bit blurry because my husband is bouncing her. She has to be in a constant state of motion or have something to look at while awake.

It's basically a white onesie with ruffled sleeves with pink on the edges, light pink pants, and pink-striped socks.

And she got mistaken for a boy twice.

David says people always assume babies are boys.

Hence all the pink.

Look, there are two reasons I dress my child in pink even though I do not like the color and I don't particularly like that girls are always assigned pink.
1) I want to communicate her gender accurately more than I dislike that social shortcut.
2) Most of her clothes were given to me and are, as a result, pink. Heck, even some of the stuff I bought was pink. But with cute little foxes on them.

Anyway, I don't want people to think she is a boy, largely because I highly value clear communication. And then I feel obligated to correct them whenever they assume she is a boy, or at least head off the question. Kids her age don't have a whole lot to their identities other than their first and middle name, family position, gender, and amount of hours they sleep at night. Cause that's what everybody asks.

Sidetrack for a moment. Why does everyone ask if she is sleeping through the night? I've heard people ask the mother of a two-week-old if he was sleeping through the night. At two weeks, they generally advise you to wake the baby up like every four hours to feed if they aren't waking up on their own, so it'd be a bad sign if they were sleeping through that! I never asked anybody that until after I had a kid, and the reason I ask is for polling data. How does my child measure up to the norm? Are other people in my boat? He still wakes up three-plus times? I feel your pain.

In case you're wondering, no, she isn't sleeping through the night. Generally though she wakes up an average of two times and goes back to sleep after nursing pretty easy and doesn't wake up for the morning until usually after seven. Could it be better? Much. Would I prefer it better? Definitely. Livable? Yes, way better than 0-2. So given the options, I'll take this.

Where was I? Ah yes. The proper color coding of infants.

I like dressing her in stuff that is either girly-styled or girly-colored, although preferably not too much of both at the same time.

I tend to like things that use bold colors, like orange and turquoise, patterns like arrows, or girly up an outfit, like a lacy onesie under blue denim overalls. Feminine touches to gender-neutral things.

Sunday's outfit was a vague reflection of mine as I didn't feel like wearing a skirt and so wore khaki capris. And clearly, I failed in my attempts to communicate (through the liberal application of pink) her gender.

Why do I care if people think she's a boy? Why do I need her to look like a girl? Gender is fluid?

No. I'm not even getting into that. We're talking about when the world was normal.

At any rate, I prefer it when other people dress their kids in something that at least hints as to their sex so I can use the proper pronouns when talking about him or her. Asking "is it a boy or a girl?" can be construed as insulting (especially if the child in question is older).

And so I am failing. I guess the pink pants were too light-colored. I need to up my game. More frills? Skirts? Headbands? Earrings? A label on her forehead?

On headbands... I've never really gotten into those for babies. I mean she doesn't have hair... so what's the point? I have seen some babies with impressive full heads of hair and headbands look cute on them, but on my baby's bald noggin?

Ah well, if it's for communication... anybody know some cute, yet comfortable headbands that are about as obvious as a label maker?

Behold the baby glory.

No, she's a girl.

I can't keep a plant alive and you expect me to raise a kid?

Two months in to motherhood and I live in fear of one particular thing. Well, two if you count Princess Fussbudget's bad moods.

I am afraid of the eternal Forming Bad Habits. It is the specter that lurks behind every decision I make, the start of every day, every time I get up in the middle of the night. It is the nightmare that haunts my plans and dreams of the future.

So The Books say to put baby on a routine. Not a schedule, mind you, a routine. A schedule says they eat at 10:30, stay awake until 11:30, and then nap until 13:30 and then eat again. A routine says that they eat when they wake up, stay up for about an hour or whenever they start showing tired cues, go down for a 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap, and when they wake up, they eat again. If they get hungry in the meantime, really actually hungry, you can feed them again instead of holding off until the clock.

A routine is the greatest thing for babies, the best thing since sliced bread. Touchy babies are comforted by routine, babies are build for routine, they like knowing what comes next. Routine routine routine. It will save your sanity, your sleep, your marriage, your life, whatever. Eat/wake/sleep routine is where it's at. Or so they tell me.

So I want wakeup time to be 07:30-08:00. What do I do when she wakes up at 06:30? What about 07:00? Feed her and put her back? Consider it her getting up? Let her cry it out? If I get her up, won't that reinforce her bad habit of waking up early?

So I feed her at 02:30. What do I do when she wakes up again at 04:00 and wants to eat? Babies can go a lot longer than that without eating, but that's what she wants. Do I spend half an hour trying to calm her back to sleep (to sleep or just to drowsy?) or do I feed her and let her fall asleep on the breast in fifteen minutes? Feeding her again so soon, that probably forms bad habits of waking up too much and letting her fall asleep while nursing is also a no-no, so I'm committing like double sin or something. But it takes fifteen minutes and often I don't even have to go back in to get her back to sleep. Then I get to go to bed. And I like my sleep.

Often during the day she asks to nurse maybe a half hour to an hour after I fed her. She doesn't need it. I'm relatively sure she isn't actually hungry. She just wants to nurse, for comfort I assume. That's not part of the routine! I'm sure nursing her all the time will form a bad habit.

What about when I put her down for a nap and she wakes up forty-five minutes later and wants to nurse (nursing after waking up is the part of the routine she seems to agree on)? Probably a bad habit.

I had been putting her down for naps in her crib (after she no longer seemed to be able to sleep on the couch) and those worked fairly well for a couple of weeks. I would go in and unswaddle her to encourage her to wake up at the end of two hours. It was great, everything seemed to be working, I got things done. 'Course, at that point I worried about putting her down to sleep too soon after her waking up, but I swear she was yawning a bunch and then getting fussy. Now, she seems to wake up in her crib after forty-five minutes to an hour, but if I let her fall asleep in her bouncy chair, she can sleep for two hours easily. She rouses from time to time and I just keep bouncing her with my foot and she'll put herself back to sleep (kind of like while I'm typing this). Is letting her nap in her bouncy chair a bad habit? I'm not sure what it's enforcing... getting used to being bounced, or not getting used to her crib.

There seems to be so many bad habits to try and avoid and the girl is only two months old. I can only imagine how much I'm going to mess her up by the time she hits three. Or thirteen. Or eighteen. And I'm sure it will be some sort of blowback from that time I let her sleep in the bouncy chair as a child. Wait for a psychologist to bring that up someday.

Look at all the evil sleeping habits she's been infected with:

I'm sure it's my fault when she doesn't sleep at night.

I have a theory...

My baby (or LO) turns two months tomorrow.

I don't actually know what LO means. I presume "Little One?" It's a shorthand I see frequently on stuff like the Birthways Breastfeeding Support Facebook group and the Ames Babywearing and Beyond group. I don't get it. I mean, it's fine calling your baby "Little One," as its a nice gender-neutral non-specific-age term of endearment, but why abbreviate it? While, yes, it takes about half a second longer to type out little one than LO, this is a PC with a full keyboard. I'm not texting. Heck, autocorrect even made abbreviations old fashioned. Seems weird. It's also another one of those random things that I've learned since becoming a mom. Like you have no idea how many new words I learned that relate to breastfeeding...

Anyway, that's not where I was trying to go with this.

I frequently have questioned how on earth people could have more than one kid. Like I said, my "LO" is turning two months tomorrow. During those two months, I have been cried at, had to get up multiple times a night (usually three, not counting all the times fifteen minutes later to calm her back to sleep), had to spend inordinate amounts of time bouncing, can't seem to take a minute to myself to dress or eat breakfast unless I wait for her nap time, have to watch my alcohol consumption and timing, been pooped on, changed multiple diapers, can't get away for more than a couple hours, and let's not even talk about how I haven't slept for more than four hours in a stretch and usually no more than six a night for those two months and not even a smile in repayment from a super-demanding tiny individual. And this was all after the traumatizing birth (that also kept me up all night) that ended with me in the operating room with a third degree laceration. Why would people repeat that? I love my little girl, but man, why try this over again?

People all tell me it gets better, but can you truly forget all of this within a year or two?

I have discovered the answer: sleep deprivation. Oh, you think it's a bad thing? Well, yes, it's a bad thing. There have been days where I have been dead on my feet and nights I cry in desperation when I hear her start to cry again after I had just begun to drift off, clocking only three hours of sleep by 3am. Sleep deprivation sucks. BUT, sleep deprivation brings memory loss.

Sleep-deprivation based amnesia. That must be the answer. For example, I honestly cannot remember how many times I got up last night. I know she woke up at 01:30ish, and again at 03:00ish (which is stupid), but I can't for the life of me remember if she woke up at 05:00ish or not. I thought she did, but examining that idea more closely, I found I couldn't link any memories with that specifically. Kind of like how you sometimes can't remember if you brushed your teeth because you've done it so dang often that it all seems the same and you can't tell if your teeth-brushing memory is from this morning or yesterday morning or a week ago.

So in six months or whenever she hopefully starts sleeping through the night and I start getting normal amounts of sleep, this whole episode will fade to the murky consistency of a dream. Kind of like how right after she was born, I'm like "If this is the way childbirth goes, I am never doing it again," and then I was sleep deprived because labor had started at like 22:30 (not when I would choose to run a marathon) and then it was exhausting and then I was drugged for the OR and all groggy and I haven't had a good night's sleep ever since. And I talk about "next time."

Well, it's either the sleep thing or kids get a lot more fun later on. Hard to imagine at this point (this week, she's cut her nap times in half).

(Ironic onesie)