Politics of Relationships

I am starting to get this bizarre sense that people view David and my relationship differently than we do.

You know how you can get a feeling about some relationships, the idea about who is in control, who makes the decisions, and who wears the pants. Now, I don't know what it says about me, or says about David, but generally, people seem to assume I'm the boss.

I'm not really sure where they get that idea. Is it because I am opinionated? Have a forceful personality? Or David is easy-going and laid-back? But I have encountered things like this before, and I have three specific examples that I can name. Probably more that haven't been said.

First one stems from when we were dating. Sorry, but I am going to engage in a little geek speak here, for the example is from World of Warcraft. David and I were part of a guild, and through an unthought-out series of events, we decided to move with several other guild members to a new and different guild. I asked David what he wanted to do and told him I would only do it if he did. I was nervous about leaving, but followed his lead. Later, I logged on to a different character that was still in the old guild, but most people didn't know it was me. And they were talking about all the people who left in guild chat. One person said they thought Darane (me) would be the type to just up and leave. "I bet Darane wanted to go and dragged Strongtower (David) with her."

Um, no, that's not how it went. Course if I spoke up in my own defense, that'd blow my cover.

More recently, when I got dreadlocks. My mother was vastly uncomfortable with the whole situation, so we discussed it and why I did it when she came up for a bike ride. But the thing that helped her the most was when she talked to David and found out he liked my dreads and didn't mind that I had them.

"I wouldn't have gotten them if he hadn't supported me in getting them," I told her. Goodness knows, I had few enough supporters. And him being the one to have to look at me, I needed his support if I was to continue. Mom said she was worried because she thought it was an idea I had just gotten in my head and wouldn't listen to anyone and dragged David right along with me. Makes me wonder what I did in the past to have that be the first assumption people have of me.

And then today. We were walking along a nature walk/hike and one of my in-laws asks me, "how'd you get David to start working out?" Um, I had nothing to do with that. He just wanted to start and I said it'd be cool if he had a six pack. I actually didn't want him to work out on vacation cause I wasn't going to. But I've tried to get him to work out in the past, and to no avail.

So what exactly spawned all this? Do people not really know us? They seem to have no idea about David's stubborn streak that I can't touch, or that I do a lot of things on my own because he turned them down. When it comes to our interaction, David is very easy-going. I will admit he does a lot of things because I'd like to do them, or he wants to do them with me. But he already has to want to do them to some extent. He can sometimes be convinced to go biking with me or to the frozen yogurt place, but that's because he already kind of wants to bike or kind of wants to eat frozen yogurt. If I say, wanted to go swimming, there is a good chance I'm going on my own because he has to be in a mood to swim and there is nothing I can say that would convince him.

Also, he can be very, highly stubborn about random things. And regardless of what I say, I can't budge him. I know there are times I won't win the war, so I just let him be.

Also, he knows I am perfectly capable of having fun on my own, so when he refuses, he knows that doesn't mean I won't go or will be really upset. As a result, we tend to be a fairly independant couple, where both of us are able to do separate activities and still enjoy ourselves.

But when it comes to actual decisions, one of us will propose the decision, then we both will discuss it and come to a conclusion. And honestly, I tend to be the flexible party, stating my doubts or position, but letting him make the choice. Because I feel that is sort of his job.

And there is my essay on why I'm not a tyrant.