Well, since that didn't work...

The doctor's results came in and it turns out I am safe. The lump is just a collection of "fiberous tissue" and I should check back in about six months if it is still there. So that is good news... although the chronicle of my battle with cancer is now suspended indefinitely. What am I going to do with the blog posts that would have been the beginning of my best selling non-fiction memoirs? Ah well, such is my life. Boring, but at least safe.

I also managed to kill my idea of becoming the mouthpiece of the ever oppressed minimum wage earner by following my dream of quitting. I can hardly say I speak for the working(ish) class if I am blissfully unemployed with my bills being paid by my husband's job that earned twice of what I made and had benefits and bonuses. And he actually likes it.

But anyway, I finally quit. Now, for as much as I hated working there and have been toying with the idea of writing an essay on broken management practices and dreaded going back every single day... with all that, I really had no solid plans to quit. I told myself that I would start looking for another job and eventually maybe find something at least a step up from food service (not that food service is bad, but I don't have the stamina for it), and then I would quit and my excuse would be either "I am moving on to a career in my major/interest field" or "I am moving on to something that pays twice as much." And that would be completely justifiable.

However, I talked to my brother from the Marines one Sunday night and he spent a good five minutes telling me to quit because I hated it. And that's when I started actually thinking about it. I mean, I didn't have another job, how could I quit? And then I realized that having this job made me safe... I knew what to expect, I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't sitting around as a bum. And I'm not sure when I would ever start. That job was my crutch. And I have just removed it.

Oh sure, you think, that sounds very convincing, but now you actually are a bum and that certainly sounds like the easy way out... and I haven't convinced myself that it isn't. But I can only sit idle for so long. I am taking a week off after my two weeks are up and then... doing something. Maybe I'll just look for jobs and bother employers for a while, even though I hate the thought of trying to be my own salesman. Or maybe I'll actually start writing. Short stories to start with. Science fiction is fun... but I need to start producing something, somewhere.

By the way, my excuses ended up being much lamer. "Why are you quitting?" "To follow my dreams." "I think it is time to move on." Oh well, two weeks are still as final, even with lame excuses.

Not so informative results

So, still no news as to what the mysterious lump may be. I had a doctor's appointment that confirmed there in fact was a lump. Maybe that was to prove I wasn't crazy or a hypochondriac. They then assigned me to get an ultrasound the next day. I even got an official doctor's note and everything. So I got that done and should get results from that on Monday.</p>
<p>Now, I don't actually know what those results will be able to tell me. The doctor said something about discovering the consistency of the lump and I guess they'll choose what they need to do from there.</p>
<p>What I do know is that this is going to be kind of rough on work. I had not said anything about it to my boss, but I had to get off an hour early to get the ultrasound done. It was as quick of a turnaround as we could get. Apparently, these things should done pretty soon. She takes the note, which just says I need to be excused for a "crucial appointment." Without even asking why, she looks at me and asks, "Couldn't you have done this some other time?" Well, I might just be in danger of cancer and death and my life depends on getting a fairly quick turnaround of diagnosis, but you're right, I should postpone my appointment so I can take that extra hour and make sure there are tomatoes on the salad line.</p>
<p>I don't normally actually let my sarcasm out to play in situations like this, so I quickly explained the situation and added that, like a good employee, had called in yesterday and let a manager know what was happening and he was fine with it. Without another word, no sympathy or "I hope everything is all right" that you might expect from normal feeling people, even strangers that you don't know, she took the note and went (stalked) back to the office.</p>
<p>Okay, well, I followed policy, so whatever. Later she comes out and asks, "what manager did you talk to yesterday?" What are you going to do? Chastise them for letting me off? Maybe next time they'll have to get some begging? Make me find a replacement for an afternoon hour? Maybe manage to head me off BEFORE I get the note so when I ask to get off, she can cackle maniacally and deny my request.</p>
<p>Now, I don't think I have cancer and I'm sure I'll be fine, but if I do end up getting cancer, I am so quitting. Not only will I probably feel like crap, but when I'd have to get off for stuff like radiation, I don't want to encounter, "Well, couldn't you have done this some other time?"</p>

Further Information

Fibroadenoma. Occurring in young girls and women in their teens and 20s, fibroadenomas are more common in those who use use birth control pills before age 20. This benign tumor ranges in size from microscopic to several inches across. It is movable under the skin, round and hard like a marble, and may be diagnosed by aspiration or removal of the lump. If the fibroadenoma shrinks or doesn’t grow over time, and your doctor is sure of the diagnosis, he or she may decide to simply leave it alone.
(http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/when-to-worry-about-breast-lumps.aspx)

This seems probably the closest to my symptoms. I am 24, but didn't start birth control until 22. Otherwise, lump seems the same as the description. Although "benign tumor" seems like an oxymoron. Maybe I have just been around too many people who have had cancer. Hopefully, this is not cancer. I like my breasts. I want to keep them.

Otherwise, website recommends a doctor's appointment for any suspicious lump. I'm going tomorrow.

Reality hits like a bucket of cold water

So for the entire day, I really have only been able to think about one thing: Star Wars: The Old Republic, an online massive multiplayer role playing game (MMORPG). I wasn't sure that I would even be interested originally, as I play WoW, it would be another monthly subscription game, and many MMORPGs have been made only to fall again. But after my two weekend stress test beta invites, I was hooked. I wanted back on. It combined some of the things I found addictive about Dragon Age with MMORPG gameplay and the epic Star Wars universe. I preordered and am now waiting for my early access to kick in. I'm not real sure when I am going to get it at all, and so have been agonizing about it. And since I had today off and it was raining and I already finished my library books... I really wanted to play.

Now, I had just finished taking a shower and was trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the day and attempting to figure out if I could do any of my chores for the next two days early, to save time. I was letting my thoughts drift and lay down on the bed before I got dressed and somehow discovered a bump I have never noticed before in the lower section of one of my breasts.

It is difficult to describe the reaction to something like that. It's like all of my thoughts of Star Wars, my own fantasy world, what to make for supper, work the next day and so on... all those drained out of my head just as my heart tried to hold its breath. I didn't believe something like this would ever happen to me. It is something you hear about happening to other people. It doesn't enter my little quiet monotonous world. I had to verify. I started to write a text to David and had to verify again. It felt more like a dream than reality, one of those things I encounter when my brain is half asleep and marinating in whatever random thoughts.

It still feels like a dream. David hasn't texted back. My mom hasn't texted back. I seem unnaturally alone. I don't know if the next step is a doctor's appointment or the ER. I don't know if it is benign or malicious. I am floating somewhere between fear and disbelief. I am scared.