Worth what I make?

As much as I was happy to quit my job, I hate having no job. You lose status. I applied for a credit card and was denied because I have no income. People ask what I do and I generally sum it up by saying "I'm a bum."

Sure, I'm trying to write. But none of it feels like the breakthrough "dream of sparkly vampire" sort. I'm having fun, but I don't feel like I'm producing or accomplishing anything. And I'm certainly not making money.

And I think of the job market with despair. This time around, I want to get a job that I actually like. And I don't know what that would be. But even that aside, every job that I see that might actually relate to what I do requires years of experience. And the only thing I have real experience with is food service.

And toil endlessly in a minimum wage job is so depressing. I want to do things with my life, but in my current situation, I don't feel free to do them. I feel guilty thinking of not working and finding hobbies. I want to learn to play guitar, I want to travel, I want to bike, I want to do what I want and it be productive and me not feel like I have to earn my keep. And as many times as David has assured me that I don't have to bring home the bacon... I don't know, I feel guilty about it.

And even worse when the bank rejects me for a credit card because I'm unemployed. Makes me wonder if the oil change shop down the street could teach me anything because even sitting around there making minimum wage sounds better than the despair of being worthless... or worth what I make, which is the same thing.

But that would require being subjected to the system. I don't know if I am ready to be free, but I'm not sure I want to give it up just yet.

So tired of all this. I want something to change.