Stalkers

So, the other day, I thought the police were following me. Not the "we're just waiting for you to stop and we'll nab you" following, but the "this person looks shady, maybe they'll screw up if they see us behind them" following. Seriously, I am twice as likely to do something stupid while driving if I see a cop behind me. I've gotten pulled over once for running a red light (I do that sometimes when I'm distracted) and I honestly can't tell you the color of the light because I was too busy watching my rear view mirror at the cop behind me.

Little paranoid much, yeah? I drive just fine, for the most part, except when a cop is behind me. Then I drive awful.

Anyway, I had just turned onto Main Street and saw the cop coming down the street. I pause for a second and then figure "Eh, they're going so slow, I'll just pull back to the parking area." So I do so. Then driving along the parking space set just south behind the buildings of Main Street, I'm edging along trying to figure out what would constitute the back of the buildings I was interested in when I glance in my rear view mirror and see the cops, following me. Keep in mind this is a completely different direction... they were heading east, now they're heading west behind me. Now, I am painfully aware of my tendency to screw up when followed, and I was fairly sure they didn't have anything on me yet, they had just seen me maybe something piqued their curiosity. There weren't any other cars moving back here.

So I pull into the nearest open parking spot thinking I'd walk. I park, get out of my car (while double checking that I was in fact allowed to park there) and head west again walking. I might not be less suspicious walking, but I1 feel there are fewer rules you can break while walking. And the police car has pulled over just a short ways from where I parked and is just sitting there, breaks on. I try not to look at them as I pass. As I turn up an intersecting street toward Main Street again, they pass me, turning south toward Lincoln Way. Which is still not the direction they were originally going.

Now, I believe two things. One, I believe police, when they don't have anything to do, stroll/sneak/cruise about just waiting for people to screw up. I've ridden with police men (not in the back) and while the ones I rode with seemed decent, there was still that element of just cruising around, waiting. And two, I have dreadlocks and believe there is a high(er) likelihood that I will be profiled.

Could that be their motivation? Maybe it was just because I hesitated before pulling in and they thought that was weird.

So, obviously, not the most interesting story. I knew someone who told me about them hotboxing in a car and getting pulled over but not getting arrested or anything. Much more interesting. But the thing that makes me think about it is simply that I couldn't figure out how to tell something this story remotely, i.e. not in person. At first I thought about calling someone, simply to relate that I felt I might have been profiled. But then I remember that Big Brother is listening to my phone conversations. The story itself has no wrong-doing in it, but how do I know they'll listen to the whole thing? Maybe they'll just hear that I was being following by the police. Same goes for Gmail, although while I figured people at Gmail can read my emails, they're probably cool enough not to turn me in for whatever presumed crime misreading this story might imply.

When something as extra powers, I simply assume they are always working to the fullest. When I get home, I assume the dog can hear me open the door to the garage or open a package downstairs with the door shut. She's got extra powers of hearing. So too, I assume the government is somewhat stalking all of us. Someone said, "The government is going to have files of us all!" and I'm like, "They don't already?"

What is really bad is that I got followed by police for no real reason and then cautious about telling anyone because of the government listening. And this is America, land of the free...

Lost In The Jungle... of withheld Disney DVDs

So, I was playing World of Warcraft one day as a hunter and decided to tame a tiger to be my pet. I proceeded to name the tiger "Shere Khan" after the tiger in The Jungle Book. Good cartoon, I think we own it.

As I continued question with my companion, ShereKhan (they don't allow spaces in pet names), I kept thinking about it. And I remembered they had a live action The Jungle Book. I only had a vague recollection as I believe I saw it on an airplane and was more stunned by the fact that Westly from A Princess Bride being a bad guy than anything else. That's almost all I remember from the plot. I think there was a girl as well. And, you know, I decided I wanted to see that movie again. Generally referred to as Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book, although a review said it wasn't anything like the book. So I checked my library. They only had the cartoon, as far as I can tell.

This weekend, we called Family Video and asked them if they had it. Nope. Must not be popular, I concluded. David has vague recollections as well, and he recalls liking it. Well, let's try Wal-Mart. They have some older movies. Nope. I asked them just to make sure it wasn't hiding on the bottom of a $5 bin.

When I got home, I tried looking it up on Amazon to see how much it would be to order it. They don't actually have it, though I would have been willing to pay the two dollar rent fee for the instant view, if it was available. But the selling price for the non-Amazon sellers was listed as $79.98 new. And $49.95 used. Oh sure, if I wanted a VHS, which I don't even have the equipment to play or the tolerance for the quality, I could pay 20 bucks. But seriously, 80 dollars for a DVD? SERIOUSLY?

Barnes and Noble has it listed at $69.13. Google shopping generally agrees on 80. I am about ready to buy it for $15.60 from the Goodwill Industries in Florida. Except that the service is temporarily unavailable. I hope they didn't charge me... Why is it so ridiculously high priced?

Probably Disney. Doing one of their Disney tricks of not selling DVDs to movies almost two decades old. And then selling a "20 Year Anniversary" edition for the same price as like the Life of Pi or Avengers or something that actually came out recently. So I got about a year or so until that is an option.

Er... so anyone have a copy they can loan me? Sitting in their basement somewhere? Hopefully in DVD format?

Bah. Interlibrary loan, here I come!

Unconditional Chew Toy, That's What.

Some of the reasons I heard for getting a dog is that they "love you unconditionally." A month in, I have yet to see anything that resembles more affection for me than what she shows her chew toys... and those don't last very long.

Sure, puppies nip. That's what the books say, that's what people say. Unless it relates to me, apparently. Then it's just biting. I go to pet her in some cases her mouth instantly drops open. I thought dogs liked petting? "She just wants to play!" I tried playing with her yesterday. Sat down on the floor and waited for her to come to me. And this time, she went after the crotch of my jeans, my nose, the soft part of my upper arm, went after them mean. I put my hands over my head and she kept trying to bite my face. David came in and found my crying, not because I was hurt, but because I couldn't understand what made the puppy want to hurt me so much. I'm used to her going after fingers or whatnot, but everything else? She hasn't done that to anyone else.

The "dog people" of the world seem to think that cats are above affection, snobbish, and selfish. I'm starting to miss my cat. The only indication that I'm doing something Luna likes is that she isn't trying to bite me. And I'm not even sure about that one... maybe inflicting physical pain is her love language. My cat would chirp when she was happy to see me, come running, and would purr when I pet her. I loved her because she reminded me of me: independent and valuing her space some of the time and coming up for affection and jumping on my keyboard and rubbing against my legs other times.

Luna mostly acts like a cat in the respect that she has her own agenda and wants you to keep it for her. Go inside, go outside, get fed, be played with, be let out of her kennel. I'd think she didn't care about me one way or another except she's obsessed with people. She sees a random stranger and wants to jump all over them. She jumps all over us when we come home (it's cute now... wonder how it will be when she's like 45 pounds). She prefers to be in and sleep in the same room as us. I haven't noticed any particular affection for any of us. She does retreat to people she knows, but is really quick to warm up to new people, provided they don't introduce themselves by chasing her all over the house.

So, a dog with a people obsession and a nipping problem. And she hates Linsey, the person who takes her out multiple times a day, takes her on walks, feeds her, buys her toys, etc. Or maybe she loves me. Loves me like the scattered pieces of every single toy I've bought her.

If this is unconditional love, I think I'd be better off being alone.

Confident

Luna decided to do laps around the house. She's kind of crazy. They're all like, "Take your dog for a walk to tire them out!" She is most hyper right after a walk. Sometimes I'll stick her on the line in the backyard for like fifteen minutes so she can play in the snow without being on a walk. She practically leaps on me when I come out to get her. Basically, everything we do to "tire her out" results in higher energy... for a while, anyway. Maybe it wears off faster or something.

Speaking of walks, I still have not had much success. Today was a lesson in tug-of-war. Either I was pulling her forward because she had decided to stop and smell the roses... or other dog crap... or I was holding her back because she just HAD to get to those two guys, or that woman, or whoever. I never knew walks were such a pain. I thought, "What, you just walk with the dog, right?" Nobody told the dog that.

Cesar Milan always talks about "calm-assertive energy" and how you have to project that to the dog. Something I read somewhere said he advised a woman to picture someone who inspired her and try to walk like she was that person. The woman chose Cleopatra.

I was trying to think of someone who inspired me like that. Ron Paul? Eh, he's not precisely physically inspiring. Anyway, I don't think of him as calm-assertive. When I saw him in debates, it seemed clear he was trying to explain what he considered obviously the best way to people who he probably considered a bit thick. So, more suppressed frustration.

I don't care much for Cleopatra. What a drama queen.

Finally, over the holidays, I discovered someone who had that great walk: Pepper Potts. She's the redhead from Iron Man I and II and makes an appearance in the Avengers as well. Now, I didn't even like Iron Man until they made the recent movies. Robert Downey Jr. is hilarious. Anyway, if you've seen them, you know Pepper Potts was his assistant in the beginning movie and he decides to she's attractive. Pepper isn't the hottest girl. There's a journalist/super model Stark sleeps with in the first movie who is much prettier. But Pepper has attitude, confidence, assurance, etc. Even before Stark goes after her, she is calm and in control and somehow able to put up with him. And as her and Stark's relationship gets stronger, she gets even more confident. She's able to walk around like she's the sexiest girl there and that's when you realize she is actually quite pretty... and has nice legs.

So, Pepper Potts would be the one I'd want to channel. Confidence, it seems, is the thing that makes girls sexy... even more than looks, sometimes. It doesn't matter what you look like as long as you know your worth and carry yourself like it.

Granted, I've had to work on that a lot. I came out of high school with about zero confidence as far as interpersonal relationships go... but plenty on my own, when it came to just myself. I don't know how much I've changed since then... but I think I know myself better and feel better about myself. Still a lot to work on. David seems to give his highest praise in the form of "she knows who she is." I don't think I'm quite to that standard yet.

So, trying to walk with calm-assertive energy and Pepper Potts confidence. Still didn't seem to impress the dog.

More aspirations

There were a couple things I left off of last post because it was getting too long, so I thought I'd add them today. I can't leave cause of the dog (and it's really cold out and I don't have the car), and I'm not quite in the mood to continue fiction writing again. I'm kind of bored.

And what's with dogs, anyway? At like 7:15 she decides she wants out of her kennel and proceeds to whine until we let her out. Take her outside, feed her, she runs around for maybe half and hour, and then goes back to sleep under David's desk... could you have just slept until now anyway? I'm waiting for the time she'll finally sleep through the whole night. It really stinks getting up in the middle of the night to take the dog out.

As far as that goes, I can kind of see both ways now. I can imagine keeping her, although that still bothers me because of the commitment of time and money and so on. It doesn't seem logical. I could also still give her away, although I might come to miss her presence... and feel guilty about giving her away when so many people just gush over her. Really, the way I wouldn't miss her would just be a job... getting me out of the house. And I would like to do that anyway.

She's nice enough, for a dog.

But enough of that. It's only day five.

There are two more things I've been thinking about, and one is a bit of a joke. The first one is David's idea. He thinks I should write a kid's book on how not everyone is a dog person.

David is a bit of a cool guy. He takes nothing personally and is able to joke even over things that might be aimed at him... like me wanting to rehome the dog.

So yeah, kids love dogs and a lot want a puppy... this book would be more of a cautionary tale... not everyone is a dog person. Like I said in the past, I liked horses just like all the other little girls... but I never want one. I knew better. Should have known better in this case too. I'd like to rehome Luna somewhere with kids that want to play with her... that maybe we could visit from time to time. Dogs are better when other people have them. Jacuzzis too, apparently.

And the other thing is boxing. Yeah, I know, I've talked about boxing before. I even would punch up the bag at Anytime Fitness from time to time. And then the summer came around and both of us were out of a job and I wanted to go on RAGBRAI anyway, so more of my exercise time was focused on biking... so I froze my Anytime Fitness account and eventually it expired. I also live somewhere else now, and though Ames has an Anytime Fitness, I'd have to use a car to get there. But I did bike to Mom and Dad's at one point when the weather was good and use my "little" brother's punching bag. Tore up my knuckles, but it was fun. Heh, all I was mad about that I kept thinking about when punching was that I was a bum who didn't know what to do with herself.

Well, my brother gifted me said punching bag for Christmas (I think Mom and Dad wanted it out of the house too) and I want to hang it in the basement. The basement should be a good workout area for a while, as it's pretty low on the reformatting priority list. Also, we have a TV with built in DVD player and drug the living room carpet down there.

And then Mom got me an "Empower Boxing Boot Camp" set that includes weighted gloves, a weight ball, a jump rope, and a bunch of woman-based boxing-based exercises on DVD. I'm kind of excited. The only thing that really makes me want to work out is stuff that seems to have a point beyond just burning calories. Swimming is fun, rock climbing is fun, sports are fun, boxing is fun, martial arts are fun... all that stuff.

I told Nathan my goal was to be able to beat him up by next Christmas. Unlikely, but it should be fun to try.

New Year's Resolutions and all that.

As typical with the coming of a new year (since the apocalypse didn't happen and all), we feel obligated to perform some sort of life review and make resolutions for the next year. Cause we probably bombed the ones from last year, if we even remember them. I know I don't. And also I didn't make my Goodreads goal of 52 books. In some ways it was a weak goal. That's just one book a week when with some books, like the Uglies trilogy, once I got into them, I read one a day. Also the Goodreads thing only counts new books you read and I reread a lot of my favorites. I think I reread the entire Mercy Thompson series again. And probably Scarlet Pimpernel. Stuff like that. I'm still a Goodreads failure.

Oddly enough, I am in a unique position this year. I live in Ames, have my needs met, and have no job. So I could potentially do a number of things. I have the freedom to not work at all, though I would feel like a colossal waste of space and resources. I could write instead of work, though although I like writing, I don't know how long it would take to actually producing something meaningful... like an actual book or published piece. David is all cool with that, but... I don't know. I'm not sold. I'm never going to give up writing. I'm just not sure when/if I'm going to make it a priority. I was thinking either I'd become an author someday, or become something else and write about it on the side.

So what do I want to do this year? Well, thanks to the *ahem* educational last week, there are a few things I want to do.

Mind, I'm not making resolutions yet. That sounds a bit more intense. More, I am reflecting on some things I would like to do. Like I said previously, it'd be nice to start using my time to help people out, i.e. volunteer. Ideally, I think I'd want to volunteer at a couple places, maybe one for a couple days a week and then something on Sunday at church. It'd also be nice to have a flexible part time job as well. Like, really part time, maybe twenty hours a week or so. And that way I'd make my own spending money (cause I really don't like spending his), I'd be able to help out with the house remodeling costs, and support one or two kids from World Vision.

I've been doing a lot of beating myself up recently, first for letting the dog thing go through when I could've said no, then for not liking puppies because everyone likes puppies, and then for wanting to rehome said puppy. Because only some sort of hater does that. I actually had to be like, "Actually, I still like my dreadlocks!" because I felt the need to reaffirm one of my other controversial decisions to make sure I wasn't just a horrible decision maker.

A children's book called "Those Darn Squirrels" defines a grump as someone who hates puppies and pie. The joke currently is that I'm only a half-grump (I still like pie).

Anyway, now I'm feeling guilty because it took owning said puppy to make me think outside of myself enough to consider volunteering. Previously, literally just like three weeks ago, I would have been "Oh, I don't want to work for no money when the money would be really handy... maybe when we're better off." And now I realize that I've been wasting my time and if it is suddenly devoted to feeding, walking, and picking up the poop of an animal that repays me by letting me pet her and shedding on my jeans, I discover how much time I actually have... and consider how it could be used to do something that mattered.

I'm not sure where I would obtain the very-flexible very part-time job. I tried to be part-time at Panera and it wasn't flexible at all. I would want a job that I could go to, work at, and then forget about it until next time I had to go in. Nothing that would stress me out outside of work. Although I am very easy to stress out, apparently.

I've learned a lot about myself.

However, those plans won't work, at least for a while. Either we give the dog away at the end of the month and I can get to it, or I would have to wait until she is older. The maximum amount of time you can keep a puppy in her kennel during the day (no access to bathroom facilities) is her age in months plus 1 (Luna is two months, so three hours max) up to a maximum of six hours (adult). A lot of jobs tend to want you for a bit longer than that. And if you plan on being gone longer than that, you'll have to get someone to come by and take the dog out. Supposedly once they are house-trained and trained not to chew on everything, you don't have to keep them in the crate (although they still can't really let themselves out). That stage will at least be after teething, which is somewhere between three months and eight months. A long time to cage the dog every time you want to go out.

If, for whatever reason, we don't keep the puppy, there are still some things I'd like to continue. And at this point I'm leaning towards not, but it is only day four of my month. I like the dog well enough, and I think I'd like her better in someone else's house. Preferably someone with kids who will love running around the house with her instead of feeling the need to batten down the hatches. But if we don't keep Luna, I would still 1) like to go on walks. Maybe not in 10 degree weather like today, but I enjoyed being outside with David just strolling around and talking. Yes, having a pet will galvanize you into doing it consistently, but I'm fairly certain people can walk without having to pull/be pulled by a dog. 2), I would still like to feel the need to do something. To be active. To not spend all my time on computer games. There is a world out there and I want to get out in it. And 3), I would still like the feeling of closeness with David. That was bit rocky recently, but the overall effect of having an animal in the house has either been me relying on him for dealing with her (I don't have to do it alone), or me having his attention in spite of her (maybe I'm a bit possessive?).

I'm such a half-grump.

I am an emotional basketcase...

...and I hate myself for it.

As it goes, I thought long and hard about the dog, wrote a manifesto on it, and concluded that I didn't want a dog.

David decided to stand firm and say "two years at the least." I proceeded to have a breakdown, feeling like he was choosing the dog over me and forcing me to care for an animal I didn't like and so on. Thankfully for everyone involved, I forgave him by the end of the next day. It was one frigid night though.

However, I still haven't agreed to the two years thing. I have attempted to say "give me a month to try it out," and he is willing to reopen discussion at that point. The two years thing is so I would know what it is to have a dog... not just a puppy. You think puppies are all cute and stuff? I thought puppies were just smaller dogs, the way kittens are just smaller cats... but cats come housetrained. Puppies are a royal pain in the butt. So I understand that aspect.

So in an attempt to give myself a break from coming up with more convincing arguments against David and to give myself actually time to consider and pray and have a more solid case, I decided to give myself a month. I know she'll still be a puppy in a month, but the case isn't against Luna... it's against dogs and pets in general. Anything that can't live three days unattended I guess. And cost a lot of money.

However, even though I keep telling myself, "One month, one month, one month," I can't shut my stupid brain off. For the first part of the day I freaked out about having to keep her. David won't listen to me as long as I'm running on anxiety. He thinks that my emotions are preventing me from actually thinking clearly and prevent me from even considering liking her. He's probably right.

Then, for the middle of the day I relaxed a bit because I convinced myself that he'd listen to me in a month.

Now, for the latter part of the day, I'm freaking out because if I do convince myself and him to rehome her... would I regret it?

I apparently can't make up my mind.

My conclusion for getting rid of her is that we are spending a lot of time, money, energy, and effort on an animal. If we wanted to improve ourselves or think outside ourselves, there are other things we could do, such as volunteer work for the church. I could get a job and actually give to charity instead of just promoting giving to charity, aka put my money where my mouth is. And we could leave the house for more than a few hours at a time. We could re-devote attention to each other. And we could stop spending more money on her.

My conclusion for keeping her is that she has already helped me see things a lot differently (although I still don't see keeping a dog as a pet), she is adorably cute, and I would forever feel the shame and embarrassment of having a pet for a little over a month. "What happened to your dog?" "Oh, we gave her away because Linsey is a wuss." I'd disappoint the people who have seen her and the people who believe strongly in pets. Granted, by a year I'll probably be the only one who still thinks about it. And might never be able to watch certain movies again. And forever feel guilt about dog movies and such.

I still wish I'd never met her and never had this decision. But I am glad for some of the lessons I've learned. Such as, I should have been treating my real companion (David) better, investing my time in things that actually matter (not computer games), investing my money in things that matter, and there are other things we could get out and do... even just taking walks to reconnect.

I've been praying that if God thinks its for the best we keep the dog, he'd change my mind, and if he thinks its for the best that we rehome her, he changes David's mind.

I also wish I could just shut my brain down for the next month.

Also, I've been making goo-goo eyes at babies. And that is REALLY freaking me out.